My Teacher is 14

I had a dream last night.  It was pretty weird as most of my dreams are.  It involved me wandering into a camp that cared for animals which was smack dab in the middle of a beautiful fancy neighborhood.  I was looking for the person with whom I was supposed to speak about a job.  My neighbor saw me and, as my neighbor is normally in "real life", welcomed me to the group, introduced me to my new boss (a kind and gentle elderly woman) and I was not only put to work immediately, but also in charge of meeting the animal inspector who was there...now.  Somewhere in this dream there were also a multitude of big, giant, humongous angry snakes that were all after me or in my way.  I was supposed to be looking not only like I knew what I was doing, but that I wasn't too afraid of all the snakes that were everywhere.  The young and understanding inspector caught on, assured me it was okay and that I was doing just fine.  Finally I explained to him that it was my first day and he said he'd come back later.  Realizing it was closing time, I needed to leave to get my daughter.  Someone stopped me as I was hurriedly rushing to my car and let me know that Mrs. So & So (someone I apparently knew) had picked her up and she was swimming with the other children in the pool in the back.

I walked to "the back" which was a vast expanse of majestic rural beauty off the back of the mansion "camp" I had been employed for the day.  I couldn't see the pool, but walked in the general direction of activity that I had spotted.  As I drew closer I began to hear laughter--kid laughter.  The closer I got, the more familiar one particular laugh was...

As I came up to the pool which was also not so shabby, I saw my daughter romping around with several other kids.  Most younger, a few her age.  None she or I knew.  I looked at Mrs. So and So (who I knew in my dream) and she smiled and nodded.  I watched a few of the other parents who seemed to know each other and they were visiting and periodically glancing to the pool smiling at their own children and that "new girl" who was playing with their kids and then they'd politely smile at me.  I watched her for a while and took a lot of pleasure in seeing the happy contentment that she had in simply splashing around with some kids who were total strangers.  She eventually saw me, knew it was time to go, hopped out of the pool, told each and every child bye and I woke up.

Yes, I have very detailed dreams...I can tell you more, but that's really not the point.  The point is about that daughter of mine, both in the dream and out of the dream.  In the dream I was so unsure of myself.  I was persistent, but unsure and at times afraid.  (the snakes WERE really bad ones).  I remember feeling awkward and uneasy and out of place.  But as I watched my daughter play in that pool she was everything opposite of that.  Not at all unsure, not awkward, seemingly comfortable and feeling right at home with perfect strangers as her peers in that moment.

That's where dream and reality meet.  Granted, in the dream she's playing in a swimming pool...not a whole lot of pressure there.  But in real life, she's the same way.  She always has been.  

Fourteen years ago today my life was graced with this small wondrous child.  She certainly wasn't my first, but she was my most intriguing.  She hadn't exactly fit into our family's plan at the time. Again, I was nervous, unsure, awkward and sometimes afraid of what her birth would be like, how life with her would impact our lives, my life, at the time.  She was a novelty to our group of friends, an initial shock for several family members and a constant source of Q&A time with our three children, who were old enough to realize that none of their  friends moms and dads were still adding babies to their family.  

So she entered the world amidst a great deal of love and excitement.  She was happy and easy and sweet and funny and intuitive and amazingly "wise".  She was a teacher from the moment she was born.  She taught me how to be less uptight.  She taught me that things would be ok even if everything wasn't done "just right".  She taught me that I could be patient and that patience was comforting.  She taught me that time spent together was a true bonding experience.  She taught me how to see my older kids in a different, less critical light.  She taught me how to pay attention and recognize growth and achievement in small things.  She taught me how to be a better mom.  She has unknowingly continued for the last fourteen years to teach me.  Not just about myself but about family, relationships and other people.  

But listening or learning with my heart has never been one of my strong suits, so I was a bit of a slow student.  I remember nearly two years after she was born I was telling my mom something about her--nothing bad, just some thought I had about her and being a "baby mom" again.  I was appreciating the baby time more this time around.  I "got" that it wouldn't last long and I needed and wanted to treasure it.  But I guess I still felt somewhat awkward--as if I knew what to do, but was still in disbelief that I was "having" to do it.  Without missing a beat, my mom said, "Stephanie, when are you going to come to grips with the fact that you have another child?"  She was kidding...sort of.  But she made her point--I hadn't made the leap to the "oh-I-keep-this-one-all-the-time-now" part.  I'm pretty sure she used the word "denial"

I loved this little girl with every fiber in me, and I have thought of that interchange many times and wondered what made it so different for me.  Part of it was that I really was older.  How we think and accomplish things in our mid-20s and late-30's are very different.  But I think the real reason I was still "in denial", as my mother had so gently referenced, was because of the same insecurities I had in my dream--being unsure and awkward, out of place and afraid.  What if I don't do a good job this time?  What if I'm a crummy parent?  What if I get tired?  What If I can't find enough time for everyone?  What about when she's older and we are a LOT older?  What will people say, or think of her...of us?  What ... what...what...

And there she would be...there that little girl was, looking up at me with a dirty face and dirty hands from playing outside, half of her clothes pulled off and all she wanted was to smile and laugh and have a hug or a belly rub.  And, a cookie or goldfish would be good too.  She didn't care one bit about any of those things.  She was here.  She was doing her job.  She was happy and loving and smart and yeah---everyone loved her.  She wasn't just a gift, a bonus, a jackpot...she was our gift, our bonus, our jackpot...she was the love that not only wrapped our family up, but put a big, fat, sparkly bow around us.  She was love.

And today, 14 years later, she still is.

I pray that she remains confident and comfortable, outgoing and yet still naive of the "bad stuff" of life, caring and concerned, smart and intuitive, loving and kind and happy.  Eager to be an active part of life, interested in other people, willing to help and share and learn. I pray that she is well-loved and well-taught--at least half as well as she has loved and taught me. I pray that I continue to have an open heart that learns from those precious unassuming moments when I am presented with a gift of insight into God's creation and love for us.  Mostly I pray that she know in her heart that same love and insight and that God graces her with a "gold star" or, better yet, a big, fat, sparkly bow...if nothing more than for being the most amazing teacher a mom could have. 

Happy 14th Birthday Anne!

Love, 

Your Mom, the student