ONE WEEK FROM TODAY

The last couple of days I'd been working on a post about my "feelings" about this upcoming week/weeks/months and the changes that I am facing. It was a sad little post, that frankly, no one, besides me, would have cared much about. With the exception of being somewhat cathartic, I'm glad I didn't publish it.

Today, I woke up and the first thing I thought was--It is Sunday! My daughter came downstairs for breakfast and we greeted each other in our ordinary, dreary way, 
"Good morning"
"morning"
"sleep well?" 
"yeah"
"You hear the storm last night?"
"no"
"there was a tornado"
"oh"
I let her get to the business of eating her cereal.  After some sugar had permeated her system I knew I could get her attention so I offered up my morning thoughts.

"One week from right now, you will wake up in your dorm room and either think 'wow, my mom nailed this comfortable bed thing' or 'wow, my back hurts'. But either way, one week from right now, you get to wake up in your own new room"

She raised up her head from the cereal bowl in front of her and while she was still thinking through her morning fog, she replied with a whopping, "yep. that's right"

And then I said it...

"Yeah. One week from right now, you can wake up and do whatever the heck you want for the entire day"

That caught her attention enough for her to choke back the massive scream of joy I could tell she was holding back, and a small, but powerful grin came over her face.

For one of the first times in the last several weeks, I grinned too. And that grin turned into a very large smile. A smile of remembrance. A smile of excitement. A smile of thankfulness. And, I told her before I left the kitchen, "you're gonna love it!"

I went back and shared our morning exchange with my husband and found myself unable to stop smiling. I told him how I vividly remember my very first day waking up in my dorm room and how totally thrilled and excited I was. He couldn't believe I could remember it, but I do. I remember how I felt and I remember some of the things I thought. I remember being momentarily apprehensive about what I was supposed to actually do, but the feeling of independence, of "freedom" and curiosity quickly overtook any apprehension still looming within me and I carried on. For me, the days and weeks ahead proved to be filled with activities and opportunities in which I was eager to participate. I was in control of my destiny and was free to make my own choices. And that I did. 

Unfortunately I made terrible choices and went down equally terrible paths that made my immediate "destiny" rather grim, to say the least. I was irresponsible and far too immature to turn my newfound "freedom" and "independence" into something that would eventually 
benefit me. Basically I was a mess. Eventually I left school and it took several more years for me to finally get my life on a more positive track.  That track came for me only when I began to lead my life with the help and acceptance of something much grander than myself.

So now I watch my youngest daughter with all the same anxiousness and excitement. I watch her hold back her ecstatic smile and energetic readiness in hopes that I won't see how much she longs for this same independence. But I am comforted by her excitement. 

The night before this conversation, we want to mass. The homily was about the feast of the Transfiguration of the Lord and our deacon ended his homily saying "ain't God's love grand!", connecting a reference he'd made earlier in his talk. It was at that moment I realized I was spending my last weekly mass with this young girl of mine. Toward the end of the mass our priest gave blessings to all people with August birthdays of which I was one. Afterward, as we were leaving mass, I mentioned to our priest that this was our daughters last mass in town before leaving for college and he immediately stopped and gave her a very thoughtful blessing. While I had just received a blessing for yet another birthday and a prayer for continued wisdom after all these (many) years, my daughter was receiving a blessing asking for God to watch over her, protect her and guide her in her upcoming journey in attaining wisdom for her many years ahead.  How special it was for me in that moment to feel God's grace day in and day out, year after year and to see that the circle of life is only due to His endless love for us.

When my daughter wakes up on this day next week, I hope that she wakes up with that same excitement, curiosity and independence that I felt all those many years ago. And, if she does think to herself "I can do whatever the heck I want", I pray that she remembers Gods grace, relies on His guidance and follows His commands as she makes her own choices and decisions during this exciting and independent time. I want her to remember "ain't God's love grand"! And, more than just remember, I want her to know His love and believe in His love. I am certain she will and I am eternally thankful for that as I watch her leave our home in very good hands.

HINDSIGHT

Currently, we are in the annual season of announcements, endings and new beginnings, well wishes and pining over memories. While I have what I believe to be a good deal of personal experience in this annual tradition, I am struggling with this years festivities. This season of this particular year is one I have been secretly dreading. While I know that is all ok and very much the order of things , I'm still not quite ready.

I think I've written about having given birth to and raising four kids, staying married to one guy for several decades and being a stay-at-home mom for over 30 years now. (If I haven't written about it, then I need to get busy) My pregnancies and births were really no more spectacular than anyone else's stories. My older three kids have all grown into decent, good, upstanding adults, family members, workers and citizens. My youngest kid seems to be on that same path. My husband is still my husband and we still love each other. And, as of now, I am still a stay-at-home mom and have worn that title with pride for quite some time.

Given those premises, I'd like to think I know a thing or two. I know that having babies usually gets easier. I know that babies and kids all go through stages. I know that raising kids is really hard. I know that all marriages go through ups and downs--some go through more downs than others. I know that families are complicated. I know that moms and dads usually do things differently. I know that as you age you gain more wisdom and I also know that hindsight really is 20/20.

Hindsight tells me that most of the time everything is going to work out ok. Hindsight tells me that, for the most part, I've done my job properly. Hindsight tells me that I will always have new and different experiences to enjoy as I make my way through life. Hindsight tells me that some friends will stay, some will go, but my family will always be here. Hindsight tells me that even with family, I'm still required to reach out, give and be available in order to keep those family ties strong. Hindsight tells me that the love I had for my newborn babies grows into just as strong a love for them as adults. And hindsight tells me that no matter how much I know from hindsight I don't get to escape all the realities of the here and now.

Right now the here and now is graduation week for our youngest child, the daughter who has been our bonus child, the one who taught me that having ten kids would have been a blast. (you have to tip the scale over to four kids before you really "get" that!) I've seen a ton of social media tributes that parents are doing for their seniors. I keep thinking I need to do the same. But I just can't. Don't get me wrong...I'm super super proud of this girl! She is amazing and truly spectacular. But I've got to be honest in saying that while hindsight tells me I have a ton of cool stuff to look forward to with her in the next few years, right now I'm just not happy. Right now I'm sad. I can and will put on the happy face. I can smile and talk about her plans, our plans and admit to excitement over all that. But the fact is that right now, for my immediate future, I know what hindsight has taught me. Hindsight has taught me that I am going to really miss this girl.

I'm going to miss her like crazy....c. r. a. z. y.

Everyone's known that.  Everyone's mentioned or talked about it. I've tried to talk about it but I mostly cut those conversations short due to the lump that forms in my throat. I'm pretty sure my older kids fear that one day they may find me curled up in a ball rocking back and forth sobbing. That won't happen. Hindsight tells me I'll be ok, everything will be ok. But hindsight still doesn't take away the heart and the soul and the feelings we have for the people we love.

Instead of curling up in a ball, what may happen (or may have already happened) is finding myself softly crying in the shower as I think about her not being here. Or, me tearing up at the memories of the sheer joy of our little family when we brought this sweet girl home from the hospital or the memory of all her "performances" for us, or her unabashed pride in wearing her headgear at night when her siblings friends were over, or her last-ditch efforts to swim hard enough to make state or bring a grade up from a B to an A. I may feel sad when 5:00 PM comes around and no one is here saying "I'm taking my shower now"...every. day. at. 5 PM! I may miss watching her contain her excitement at the next Harry Potter news or Guardians of the Galaxy movie. I will definitely miss hearing that laugh--that outstanding, cheerful, full of life laugh--at an old episode of The Office or Friends, or a silly meme someone just posted, or something stupid either of her parents may have said or done, or enjoying being with her friends and listening to their funny stories. I will miss knowing the kindness she shows to her friends--I'll miss seeing her give a hug to a friend who's sad about a crummy swim time, or watching her encourage a friend who is facing a struggle or hearing about her cheering up a girlfriend who's boyfriend hasn't been so nice. I will miss that click-click sound she makes each morning calling her dog downstairs or that same sound at night when she calls her dog upstairs to go to bed with her. I will miss her willingness to be a part of my life even if it means Baskin Robbins instead of Braums, or mexican instead of chinese, a musical instead of a sci-fi movie.

One of the most interesting things I've heard this past year was while talking with someone who asked how I felt about my daughters upcoming graduation--she said very matter-of-factly "well, you two are pretty close". What? We are? How can we be that close...I'm just the mom? But when another one of my children agreed I had to choke back tears. Yes. Yes, we are...or at least I am. And, maybe in her own, last-kid-of-four-remaining-at-the-house way, she may feel the same as well.

So, while it may seem that I have depended on this kid for a great deal of companionship over the last several years and that I am now faced with redefining my Stay-At-Home mom title to mean something geared more toward my own future, I also couldn't be more excited to see what this incredibly special young woman does over the next several years ahead. I can't wait to meet the people she befriends. I can't wait for her to bring new friends home to hang out for the weekend or go to a concert or come for Thanksgiving dinner. I can't wait to watch what interests she develops, what things get her excited. I can't wait to hear her tell stories of her adventures and experiences. I can't wait for  that first time she calls excited about an accomplishment. And yes, I already can't wait for her weekend visits back home that I already know will pass all too quickly. Hindsight tells me that I will sit on the porch swing and wave good bye to her, wait for her to leave and spend a few minutes wiping my own tears away.

But hindsight tells me, if I'm lucky, she'll be back.

Anne, I love you infinity times a million 💞

Photo Credit:  Buona Sarah Photography







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Lay down with me five more minutes...

These are the words that melted my heart tonight. These are the words that make me know what I am here for. These are the words that send me right back to an eleven year old girl to scoop her up in my arms and tell her--again--how much I love her. These are the words that not so long ago seemed a bit inconvenient at times...how could I have been so wrong.

WARNING: If you couldn't tell--Sappy Post Follows!

I just finished putting a child to bed. A precious little eleven year old girl who was the best surprise of my and my family's life, a girl who still seems so tiny to me and yet it's as if I am watching her grow every minute of every day at a pace that makes me want to scream for time to stop, a girl who is oblivious to anything but the very best the world around her offers, a girl who, for some inexplicable reason and without her knowing it, has taught me the value of being a mom.

Like I said, there was a time when hearing "Please lay down with me five more minutes mom..." resulted in me thinking things along the lines of, "oh my gosh, I have got to get that laundry off my bed...when am I ever going to get the rest of the bills paid...those dishes are never going to get done...if I lay down for five minutes I will be the one falling asleep."

Not any more. I'd take everyone of those times back now if I could. It's not to say that I now have undying attentiveness toward my children at every waking moment. Anyone who knows me knows that to not be the case. However, I would bet a kid or two on the fact that anyone who has known me for very long would also say I am not the same mom I was thirteen years ago when my oldest child was eleven. I may not even be as attentive as often as I was with my other children. BUT my attentiveness is finely tuned, sharpened to a fault and hones in on far fewer trivialities than in the past. Now let's get something straight right now--I deeply love each and every one of my children equally and in a way that only a parent can know...yes, I would stand in front of a moving train for any one of them...well....yeah...I think I would do that. Anyhow, from here on out it goes without saying that I do not love one child more than any other, nor do I value one's existence more than any other. However, with every child, and with every year of motherhood comes more and more enlightenment.

Enlightenment for me tonight was thinking about tonight being next year's tonight, when "my baby" would be entering a school of a thousand strangers. I mentioned that to her (not the "stranger" part, for pete's sake!) and she shared her hesitation; it being a little "scary". I assured her it wouldn't be (at least not nearly as much as it would be for her mother this time next year!), and that I shouldn't have even brought it up because tomorrow she would be Top Dog at her elementary! How exciting. How comforting. How...sad.

Yep, this is a downer, but I got so sad thinking about this next year being (another) last for me. We will have been in attendance at Jarman Elementary for eighteen years. Yes, eighteen years. OK, if I must be totally honest, our family was not represented one of those eighteen years. Only one, the other seventeeen we had full representation of at least one child and sometimes two. Seventeen Meet the Teacher days, seventeen Back To School Nights, seventeen PTA sign-ups, seventeen volunteer forms, seventeen First Days of School and seventeen Last Days of School. Not to mention all the other activities year in and year out over this span of time. As much as I have teased about it, it has been one of the most rewarding, fullfilling experiences of my life, and certainly my kids' lives. So the thought of this being the last year made me cry.

I don't want all my kids to be out there in the big, fat, scary world. I don't want to be looked at funny when I bring their lunch up to the school for the sixth time even though I've told them I will never do that again. I don't want to be a parent of a student ID#. I don't want them to learn about sex, drugs and rock and roll. (ok, we have already had some of those discussions, but in Leave It To Beaver land here it is a bit different than the Land of Reality coming up). I don't want this to be the end of these wonderful, wonderful times.

For all you who know me well enough to know how sappy this all is---you'd better watch out for me...Good Lord, I even mentioned homeschooling! I mean, can you imagine??! When my other kids would start complaining about their school, or the classes or the teachers, that was all I had to say..."well, you knowwwww, I could always homeschool you". I'd say it in the sincerest tone with all the motherly compassion I could possibly muster up. "Uh, nope...no thanks...it will be fine...uh, I can work this out...really...no problem mom, don't worry about it...really". Yep, that's all it would take.

Well guess what...guess who said, "you know, I might want to do that next year mom"! Most amazing part was I thought "oh thank goodness, there's just got to be some good homeschooling websites...maybe even a facebook group".

Alrighty, so clearly this isn't so much about her. It's about me.

It's about the great (and often not-so-great) life of Mom-dom. The ups, the downs, the unepected curve balls. It's about the most valuable and noble and honest and gut-wrenching and spectacular "profession" in the world. Some would say I need a life. I strongly disagree. I have such a full and blessed life that I can't imagine filling it with anything else. That's the problem...I can't imagine. I can't imagine filling it with different things.. I can't imagine what it will be like not walking into that elementary next year and seeing those familiar (seasoned) friendly faces, not getting to know the less familiar (youthful) but equally friendly "newbies", not having my daughter at a school where everyone knows her, knows who she is and what she's like.

You know what it is, it's that I simply can't imagine what The Plan is. That's what this boils down to. I guess a lot of it really isn't my call. I mean, what's He cooking up for me...or us? I know He's not cruel; I know He's got a sense of humor; and I know He's got a plan. I try and do the right thing, I try and think about how things will effect these kids of mine, I think I'm on the right track most times. I guess the "not knowing for sure" part is the part that's supposed to make it all more exciting--make us try and do our very best. However, instead, I find myself looking back and thinking how much I've learned, how many "if I knew then, what I know now"s I have, how valuable my job has really been and how serious a job it is.

But right now I'm just wallowing in the bittersweet moments of this "final" year. I'm hoping that eleven year old girl will ask me to lay down with her five more minutes this time next year too.

I've Become "One of Those Moms"

Wow---two weeks can go by quick! And, just think of all the clever missed blogging opportunities. Only one stellar occurrence sticks out in my mind...well now two....well, maybe...

OK, well the first is last week's Jarman Open House. Lord knows there is no one on the planet who loves a good Open House night more than me, but I had issues this year. PSB had been gone for a while (he's back as of Saturday--yay!), so I was on my own with the kid schedule. You would think that down to two, it would be a breeze, but noooooo. I didn't have anyone to watch AMB for the night. Even though it was her school, they really aren't supposed to be there so that the teachers can "speak freely", which, of course, I am SO supportive of (no, really). But I'm also not to the point to leave my 9-yr old home alone! So here's what I sent the Principal:

Dear (lovely-principal-whom-i've-known-for-YEARS)--

I have a dilemma. Considered not mentioning it, but have decided to be up front about it.

I have no one (well, short of the queer little man in the cul-de-sac or some insane 10th grade girl who smokes dope at the bus stop) to watch Anne this evening. Although I feel certain that she could fin for herself perfectly and probably have the entire house in order and cleaned up after whatever party she decided to host, I just feel “funny” leaving a 9-yr old home alone. Far be it from me to have her older brother miss his “fun night” (yeah, right) at the I-Hi, where hormones will rage significantly, and stay home with her. Also, far be it from me to push my luck with Grandma who is my only hope to be able to go see OU-Miami this weekend (even though Grandma doesn’t know that yet).

So here it is…I either miss my 14th (yes, fourteenth---one, four) Open House, which of course I would rather pour acid in my eyes than miss my 14th Open House, or….I bring Little “Miss Anne” tonight with her book in hand, and plop her down in the lobby, or outside on the bench, and threaten her within every inch of her life is she does anything but appear to be a stellar example of Patriot Pride. She could sit outside and read like that statue at Helmerich Library (we could stack a bunch of books under her), and maybe all the newbies would think, “wow, this school must really do a great job, since this little girl is just sitting here outside, reading. Where is her ipod? (I’ll have her hide it) Where is her hand held electronic game thingy? Where is her portable dvd player? Her cell phone? Why isn’t she text messaging someone? My gosh, is that a chapter book she is reading? Wow, I can’t wait for my beloved child to learn how to do that”

So, I wanted you to know in advance that I have, in fact, become one of “those moms”, who has to drag her kid around with her everywhere she goes. This way you can all talk about me amongst yourselves freely now. But I’m pretty sure I can bribe Anne sufficiently enough to pull all that off…that is, if it’s ok with Mrs. Pitcock. Let me know.

(Lovely-parent-patron-of-MANY-years!)

Yep, so that's me being oh so clever...or so I thought. Here's what I received back:

Read on…I sent this to everyone at Jarman…they are enjoying your humor and many have guessed who it is, even with me leaving out the name...

Everyone needs a laugh on Friday…so here is an email I received from a humorous parent of ours that is asking to bring her daughter to Curr Night Tonight…I didn’t receive it on time, but she came and was well behaved…Read on for a laugh…some of you may guess who this parent is…

(That same lovely principal of which I spoke earlier)

Well, now...guess that shows ME. I don't think I'll ever be clever again. Who knows who this went out to? Who knows who was offended by my lack of sensitivity? Ohhhhh, this list could go on and on. I guess the best thing to do is move forward and make sure and not wear any make-up, have shaggy hair and walk with my head hung low so no one notices me.


Let's see, other news, or at least really time-consuming activity around here is this Financial Peace University class I mentioned earlier. Man, this stuff is nuts. I find myself thinking about it all the time. Last night my bedtime read was a Suzie Orman book where I find myself obssessing over Revocable Living Trusts or trusts. Can you imagine something that completely boring keeping you up at night---well, it did me. I cannot believe what a geek I have turned into. It's almost embarrassing. And, yes, I really couldn't sleep last night because of thinking about all this--how ridiculous.

(I've fast forwarded to Jun 2008, re-read this draft and decided to publish "as is"!)

you WILL be my friend--dammit

yep--that's how it is with me. Once my friend, always my friend...well almost. Except for the folks who have decided they can't stand me and vice versa. But TODAY was it for one friend. She got the Here's-How-It's-Gonna-Be-Sista email from me! I hadn't heard from her, we haven't had any of those heart-to-hearts, and I was missing her! So that's what happened this morning, I shot off one of my ever-so-clever emails and within 10-15 minutes, lo and behold...CONTACT! She WAS alive, no one had DIED & she still considers me friend (although we have a little work to do on the "active" part of that on her end!) Anyhow, we finally got to talk this afternoon, with the standard 47 interruptions, but it was nice and I love catching up with her.

It was a crazy day though. Met Steve for a banking appointment downtown--whoa, wasn't THAT weird! Picked up the santa puzzle that had been sitting at Zieglers for 2 or 3 months, hit the Scrapbook Convention Vendor Faire (thank you Jamie !), then over to sign up (late) for Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, then to pick up RRB, then AMB, then Macy's for a birthday gift for AMB's friend tonight, then home for a bit, (when quick talk with above-mentioned friend occurred), then PSB home for 10 minutes before leaving with friend to go watch a well being logged by Biddick bros, then took AMB to birthday slumber party, picked up RRB's buddy, took them out to eat, home for all of one hour then a dreadfully needed Blockbuster run (and we all know how much i LOVE watching movies....NOT!), and finally, here I sit. KIDS**ATTENTION KIDS**THIS IS WHAT I "DO" ALL DAY!!

...and I love it.

Funny line today - PSB after meeting with private banking rep, "...they just don't know what white trash we really are" LOLOLOL!! Just love it. tygftd.