ONE WEEK FROM TODAY

The last couple of days I'd been working on a post about my "feelings" about this upcoming week/weeks/months and the changes that I am facing. It was a sad little post, that frankly, no one, besides me, would have cared much about. With the exception of being somewhat cathartic, I'm glad I didn't publish it.

Today, I woke up and the first thing I thought was--It is Sunday! My daughter came downstairs for breakfast and we greeted each other in our ordinary, dreary way, 
"Good morning"
"morning"
"sleep well?" 
"yeah"
"You hear the storm last night?"
"no"
"there was a tornado"
"oh"
I let her get to the business of eating her cereal.  After some sugar had permeated her system I knew I could get her attention so I offered up my morning thoughts.

"One week from right now, you will wake up in your dorm room and either think 'wow, my mom nailed this comfortable bed thing' or 'wow, my back hurts'. But either way, one week from right now, you get to wake up in your own new room"

She raised up her head from the cereal bowl in front of her and while she was still thinking through her morning fog, she replied with a whopping, "yep. that's right"

And then I said it...

"Yeah. One week from right now, you can wake up and do whatever the heck you want for the entire day"

That caught her attention enough for her to choke back the massive scream of joy I could tell she was holding back, and a small, but powerful grin came over her face.

For one of the first times in the last several weeks, I grinned too. And that grin turned into a very large smile. A smile of remembrance. A smile of excitement. A smile of thankfulness. And, I told her before I left the kitchen, "you're gonna love it!"

I went back and shared our morning exchange with my husband and found myself unable to stop smiling. I told him how I vividly remember my very first day waking up in my dorm room and how totally thrilled and excited I was. He couldn't believe I could remember it, but I do. I remember how I felt and I remember some of the things I thought. I remember being momentarily apprehensive about what I was supposed to actually do, but the feeling of independence, of "freedom" and curiosity quickly overtook any apprehension still looming within me and I carried on. For me, the days and weeks ahead proved to be filled with activities and opportunities in which I was eager to participate. I was in control of my destiny and was free to make my own choices. And that I did. 

Unfortunately I made terrible choices and went down equally terrible paths that made my immediate "destiny" rather grim, to say the least. I was irresponsible and far too immature to turn my newfound "freedom" and "independence" into something that would eventually 
benefit me. Basically I was a mess. Eventually I left school and it took several more years for me to finally get my life on a more positive track.  That track came for me only when I began to lead my life with the help and acceptance of something much grander than myself.

So now I watch my youngest daughter with all the same anxiousness and excitement. I watch her hold back her ecstatic smile and energetic readiness in hopes that I won't see how much she longs for this same independence. But I am comforted by her excitement. 

The night before this conversation, we want to mass. The homily was about the feast of the Transfiguration of the Lord and our deacon ended his homily saying "ain't God's love grand!", connecting a reference he'd made earlier in his talk. It was at that moment I realized I was spending my last weekly mass with this young girl of mine. Toward the end of the mass our priest gave blessings to all people with August birthdays of which I was one. Afterward, as we were leaving mass, I mentioned to our priest that this was our daughters last mass in town before leaving for college and he immediately stopped and gave her a very thoughtful blessing. While I had just received a blessing for yet another birthday and a prayer for continued wisdom after all these (many) years, my daughter was receiving a blessing asking for God to watch over her, protect her and guide her in her upcoming journey in attaining wisdom for her many years ahead.  How special it was for me in that moment to feel God's grace day in and day out, year after year and to see that the circle of life is only due to His endless love for us.

When my daughter wakes up on this day next week, I hope that she wakes up with that same excitement, curiosity and independence that I felt all those many years ago. And, if she does think to herself "I can do whatever the heck I want", I pray that she remembers Gods grace, relies on His guidance and follows His commands as she makes her own choices and decisions during this exciting and independent time. I want her to remember "ain't God's love grand"! And, more than just remember, I want her to know His love and believe in His love. I am certain she will and I am eternally thankful for that as I watch her leave our home in very good hands.