REPURPOSED PUZZLE

Alone, not alone, sad, excited, worried, frustrated, apprehensive.  Crying, not crying, laughing, smiling, crying--a lifelong process for me is coming to an end. It's been a wonderful journey.

The last kiddo is leaving our house this week. She is ready to go. I should be ready for her to go...and I probably am. One minute I'm in love with her and the next she is driving me nuts. From experience, I know this is all normal. But it's still a process. A song comes on, I get teary.  Someone mentions moving, empty nest, or any number of other words associated with this upcoming change of lifestyle and my heart skips a beat.  Quietly (for the most part), momentarily (usually), regardless, a tear comes, a heart beat skips and it takes my breath away. And, even after reading my last post, I struggle. And then, I struggle with why I'm struggling. Or, for that matter, am I really struggling in the first place or just reacting to a situation I may not be totally prepared for?

Why the struggle? Even with all my normal mom fears, worries, concerns, I know these things turn out good and right for the most part. What if they don't? Then we work through it right? Ok--so check fears, worries, concerns off the struggle list. What if something bad happens? Can't control everything.  Gotta believe in the things I've taught and my belief in God's grace and mercy. So...check something bad happening off the struggle list. What about how much I will miss having a kid around? Back to that circle of life thing that I have always banked on in the first place. Happens. It's a good thing. You cannot get to the other chapters of the story if you don't get past the first chapters. And the other chapters are fun too. Check off missing kids being around from the struggle list. (and, as I remember, they do come home a lot)

So what's left?  Well, there is the normal well-behaved 19 year old girl who has successfully completed high school with good grades and worked 30-40 hours nearly every week of the summer saving 95% of everything she made.  I mean, yeah, there's some concerns when we parents take an honest look at our kids. They aren't perfect. No one is. There are things she still hasn't learned, doesn't know, doesn't even know about herself yet. But that's what this next chapter is about right? Her being in an environment that encourages her to find out about those things, learn about herself and the real world and still have a safety net "just in case". So guess I have to check "the girl" being the reason for my struggle off the struggle list as well now.

Back to what is the reason for My struggle with all these feelings. Key word there is "my". My feelings about upcoming changes are just that...feelings. They are important to me because they are the catalyst that determines how I behave at times. But, should that be the case?  Probably not. Life does go on. I know that. I know that from my marriage, from my family, friends and acquaintances, from 57 years of life situations.  I know that from raising kids. The changes I face are truly Lion King coming alive in my own personal "circle of life". And, while everyone is participating in this change in a positive way, I continue to dig my heels in as if I have the power to eventually stop the world from turning on it's axis.

If I look at my struggle honestly, it seems pretty simple. I have spent my entire life being a wife and a mom. I've not been stellar in either of these capacities. Decent enough, tried hard, but not stellar. But, even at my worst, I have still spent that entire time worrying and thinking about, cheering on, providing and doing for, orchestrating and advocating on behalf of, and, most importantly, protecting and loving the four people who are most important in my life...my four kids. Yep. I would easily without a seconds thought stand in front of a train, a herd of wild elephants or flames from hell for them. I truly would. That hasn't meant that I would do anything in the world for them, but I would love them and protect them with my last breath. And...as long as one of the four were still living here, with me and my husband, in this house, I have had a purpose. My purpose has always been to help them, to protect them, to love them. I have loved fulfilling that purpose.

But that day to day purpose is changing, ending. Right now I feel like I am standing in the middle of this life, with somewhat of a perplexed, and maybe even fearful look on my face, not certain of which way I need to turn first. And somewhere along the way, while concentrating on the purpose at hand, I forgot to take all the pieces to this puzzle of life along with me. I set them down, left them behind and didn't think about needing them later.

It is time to go back a bit. Regroup. Repurpose. I need to find those puzzle pieces I left behind, gather them back up and finish living out the puzzle of my own life. I need to find out what I like to do, what I do well, what I don't do well, what I want, what I can be and do in return for all that has been given to and for me. I need to find out what is my new purpose?

I know from my older kiddos that we mommas never stop helping, protecting and loving--never. But, as our kids get older the way in which we do that changes and becomes less hands on. So, we are left with more of our own time on our hands. Now I get to choose how to fill that time. Some of my kids are already concerned that I am over-filling the months ahead on my calendar as a way to avoid "dealing" with my feelings of sadness once I am no longer a hands on mom (or, in their words, "controlling everything"). But, contrary to their concerns, the squiggly lines on the calendar are simply a way to find where those last forgotten puzzle pieces are and then figure out where they may belong. The blank spots are there to give me time to reflect and read and learn new things, enjoy new adventures, relax with my husband and explore new possibilities and additional purposes  for which I was created.

Alone, not alone, sad, excited, worried, frustrated, apprehensive.  Crying, not crying, laughing, smiling, crying--a new process is beginning for me. It will be a wonderful journey and fun to work on finding the pieces to complete the puzzle