I've Become "One of Those Moms"

Wow---two weeks can go by quick! And, just think of all the clever missed blogging opportunities. Only one stellar occurrence sticks out in my mind...well now two....well, maybe...

OK, well the first is last week's Jarman Open House. Lord knows there is no one on the planet who loves a good Open House night more than me, but I had issues this year. PSB had been gone for a while (he's back as of Saturday--yay!), so I was on my own with the kid schedule. You would think that down to two, it would be a breeze, but noooooo. I didn't have anyone to watch AMB for the night. Even though it was her school, they really aren't supposed to be there so that the teachers can "speak freely", which, of course, I am SO supportive of (no, really). But I'm also not to the point to leave my 9-yr old home alone! So here's what I sent the Principal:

Dear (lovely-principal-whom-i've-known-for-YEARS)--

I have a dilemma. Considered not mentioning it, but have decided to be up front about it.

I have no one (well, short of the queer little man in the cul-de-sac or some insane 10th grade girl who smokes dope at the bus stop) to watch Anne this evening. Although I feel certain that she could fin for herself perfectly and probably have the entire house in order and cleaned up after whatever party she decided to host, I just feel “funny” leaving a 9-yr old home alone. Far be it from me to have her older brother miss his “fun night” (yeah, right) at the I-Hi, where hormones will rage significantly, and stay home with her. Also, far be it from me to push my luck with Grandma who is my only hope to be able to go see OU-Miami this weekend (even though Grandma doesn’t know that yet).

So here it is…I either miss my 14th (yes, fourteenth---one, four) Open House, which of course I would rather pour acid in my eyes than miss my 14th Open House, or….I bring Little “Miss Anne” tonight with her book in hand, and plop her down in the lobby, or outside on the bench, and threaten her within every inch of her life is she does anything but appear to be a stellar example of Patriot Pride. She could sit outside and read like that statue at Helmerich Library (we could stack a bunch of books under her), and maybe all the newbies would think, “wow, this school must really do a great job, since this little girl is just sitting here outside, reading. Where is her ipod? (I’ll have her hide it) Where is her hand held electronic game thingy? Where is her portable dvd player? Her cell phone? Why isn’t she text messaging someone? My gosh, is that a chapter book she is reading? Wow, I can’t wait for my beloved child to learn how to do that”

So, I wanted you to know in advance that I have, in fact, become one of “those moms”, who has to drag her kid around with her everywhere she goes. This way you can all talk about me amongst yourselves freely now. But I’m pretty sure I can bribe Anne sufficiently enough to pull all that off…that is, if it’s ok with Mrs. Pitcock. Let me know.

(Lovely-parent-patron-of-MANY-years!)

Yep, so that's me being oh so clever...or so I thought. Here's what I received back:

Read on…I sent this to everyone at Jarman…they are enjoying your humor and many have guessed who it is, even with me leaving out the name...

Everyone needs a laugh on Friday…so here is an email I received from a humorous parent of ours that is asking to bring her daughter to Curr Night Tonight…I didn’t receive it on time, but she came and was well behaved…Read on for a laugh…some of you may guess who this parent is…

(That same lovely principal of which I spoke earlier)

Well, now...guess that shows ME. I don't think I'll ever be clever again. Who knows who this went out to? Who knows who was offended by my lack of sensitivity? Ohhhhh, this list could go on and on. I guess the best thing to do is move forward and make sure and not wear any make-up, have shaggy hair and walk with my head hung low so no one notices me.


Let's see, other news, or at least really time-consuming activity around here is this Financial Peace University class I mentioned earlier. Man, this stuff is nuts. I find myself thinking about it all the time. Last night my bedtime read was a Suzie Orman book where I find myself obssessing over Revocable Living Trusts or trusts. Can you imagine something that completely boring keeping you up at night---well, it did me. I cannot believe what a geek I have turned into. It's almost embarrassing. And, yes, I really couldn't sleep last night because of thinking about all this--how ridiculous.

(I've fast forwarded to Jun 2008, re-read this draft and decided to publish "as is"!)

Describe an ECLIPSE so I don't have to wake up

Well, apparently I'm not so terribly exhausted that I can't churn something out at 11:37 PM now! The most exciting thing (and this could quite possibly be the most pathetic exciting thing) about today was that I got up in time to witness the Lunar Eclipse. Yep, sure did. Jealous, aren't ya. Well, just know that I stared at it for as long as I possibly could without falling over my new walking shoes shoelaces and also without walking backwards. It did make me walk pretty darned fast this morning though, as it was at my back the first part of the walk and I wanted to be able to multi-task by not only getting my walk in, but having something sort of cool to stare at...and then there is my cool & oh so groovy ipod. Diversion.

ok, so I told the kids tonight, "guess what I saw this morning"? And, they, of course didn't want to play the guessing game, so I quickly told them..."THE ECLIPSE"!! Well, far be it from little AMB to not give mom the desperately needed reaction she was hoping for---"wow---REALLY?". uh-huh. Then, from the back seat RRB asked about what time was it & I told him around 5:45 & that I had thought about getting him up. Of course he said "you should have. I could have seen it and then fallen right back to sleep" Oh yeah! Can you imagine....tap, tap, tap....RRB...wake up...the Lunar Eclipse is outside...you'll have to get some pants on and walk down the street to see it around the trees....what?...5:45...yes, in the morning...ok, sorry to bother you" Yeah RIGHT!!

But, the Eclipse conversation did not stop there...oh no, there was MORE excitement. Since I hadn't been thoughtful enough to awaken him from his beauty sleep, RRB was at least curious..."what'd it look like?". Have you EVER had anyone ask you what an eclipse looks like? Well, like a moon with a dark orange drapery over it. I thought that was pretty cleverly descriptive, but nope...not so much. "Well, so the moon was in front of it?" "In front of what?" "In front of the sun". "No, not in front of the sun...it had a shadow over it" Well, I think it's fairly apparent that at this point the eclipse conversation had pretty much lost its interest.

But then the strangest thought flittered (a form of fluttering, not quite as consistent) through my head. ---what if that is the last eclipse I ever see?--- I sure hope that's not some sort of weird premonition. If so, it's really gonna stink.

We skipped swim tonight for AMB. It's been a weird day. I am determined to fulfill my Ebay obligations and, for at least TWO days now, I have done so. But, it's all crap--sorry, but that IS the most accurate word for this stuff. We'll see. Anyhow, after fulfilling my obligation which was after laundry which was before dishes, I realized I had let RRB go do something fun, when he really was supposed to be grounded. Boy I hate it when I do stuff like that. It's such an enormous pain in the rear to then go back and "re-mean"--you know...that state you are in when you actually follow through with your punishment cause you know at that very moment it is the most correct parental thing you can do. Anyhow, I screwed it up. And all that while taking a look at finances in preparation for my FPU class tomorrow night.

Went from being mad about forgetting grounding, to being mad about spending too much money. Wow...major parent fouls all over the place today. Hopefully I'll do much better tomorrow.

Oh and I found the most giant turtle this morning under Ms. Beth's car! I swear this guy has been here years. He just looks old. And he's sort of red-skinned--he's pretty cool. Of course he promptly ran off. After the bunny incident from last week, I think he had heard through the cul-de-sac creature grapevine, that this would not be the wisest spot for him to end up in.

I need to take pictures. Maybe I'll just take my camera out tomorrow and shoot weird stuff...with my camera that is! Good idea. However, for now I think it is fairly obvious that my creativity is waning (sp check), so good night to all and to all a good night. tygftd

you WILL be my friend--dammit

yep--that's how it is with me. Once my friend, always my friend...well almost. Except for the folks who have decided they can't stand me and vice versa. But TODAY was it for one friend. She got the Here's-How-It's-Gonna-Be-Sista email from me! I hadn't heard from her, we haven't had any of those heart-to-hearts, and I was missing her! So that's what happened this morning, I shot off one of my ever-so-clever emails and within 10-15 minutes, lo and behold...CONTACT! She WAS alive, no one had DIED & she still considers me friend (although we have a little work to do on the "active" part of that on her end!) Anyhow, we finally got to talk this afternoon, with the standard 47 interruptions, but it was nice and I love catching up with her.

It was a crazy day though. Met Steve for a banking appointment downtown--whoa, wasn't THAT weird! Picked up the santa puzzle that had been sitting at Zieglers for 2 or 3 months, hit the Scrapbook Convention Vendor Faire (thank you Jamie !), then over to sign up (late) for Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, then to pick up RRB, then AMB, then Macy's for a birthday gift for AMB's friend tonight, then home for a bit, (when quick talk with above-mentioned friend occurred), then PSB home for 10 minutes before leaving with friend to go watch a well being logged by Biddick bros, then took AMB to birthday slumber party, picked up RRB's buddy, took them out to eat, home for all of one hour then a dreadfully needed Blockbuster run (and we all know how much i LOVE watching movies....NOT!), and finally, here I sit. KIDS**ATTENTION KIDS**THIS IS WHAT I "DO" ALL DAY!!

...and I love it.

Funny line today - PSB after meeting with private banking rep, "...they just don't know what white trash we really are" LOLOLOL!! Just love it. tygftd.

you do know what a number grid is, right mom?

Nope--not a clue. That is what just transpired between my 9-yr old and me. Remember that "life lessons" spiel from last post...yeah. Why can't math be taught the Old-Fashioned way anymore? Memorize your math facts (you know, addition, subtraction, multiplication--and hold on to your hat...division), line the little numbers up in little ones, tens, hundreds, thousands, ten thousands, (yes you get the point) columns, draw a line beneath them and DO THE MATH!

I love my daughter's teachers. I really do. I feel sorry for them having to visualize every stinkin concept. Let the kids learn it like we did---get the math wrong, get a red mark, go home, get in a little trouble and know it next time. I know...I'm old and certainly out of touch. But I can do math without a math grid.

Today I had a b'day lunch with friend JH. We dropped in a local design/decorator store--Signature Interiors. The one and only thing I fell in love with was a gargantuan Greek or Roman head. Nope, not a bust...a head. This thing was huge!! About hip high. The tag read "Golden Boy Bust". But there was no bust. It was just this giant head chopped off at the neck sitting on the floor. I was so all over that. Of course a guy approached us, I am sure wondering if we were finally going to be the suckers to take this $360.00 (but wait, everything was 25-40% off!) atrocity home. And, then we got to hear all about how the salesman (or so I assumed) had one of these out on his 40 acres greeting visitors and what people thought and why they had it--yada, yada, yada.

I'm tellin' ya--this was a decorator's item that would have made any Truvy Jones drool. As we parted ways with this wonderful piece of fine art, I longingly looked back and said to JH, "why does this guy remind me so much of Steve? I mean, take away the flowing curls falling gently on his forhead and he's a dead ringer". Jenene, in all her glorious wisdom replies, "cause he's not smilin'".

Funny thing...they had Golden Boy perched on the floor way in the back of the store near a dead end storeroom door. Jeez I have odd taste--but I can do math. tygftd.

hmmm...NOW what?

Well, I'm doin' this. No really I am. However, with some trepedation, I might add. See I don't really even know how to spell "trepidation". Let's see, it's about 12:37 AM and for some reason the first thought in my head is/was "oh Lord, what will the kids think". Funny. I'm at least in my 40's or so, and yet still worried about what other's under the age of 25 are thinking. Yep, good sign of maturity, don't you think?!! (don't get me wrong--I love all you kiddos, but there are a few life lessons left to learn, and they seem to grow exponentially after your 30's)

Alright, there's another thing. I'm an excessive exclamations offender. And a bad one. I can't help it. It's my attempt to indicate the high inflection in my voice at that point in conversation. There's thing #2, I write like I talk. Not good. So, only two paragraphs into this and already negative criticism (as opposed to the "constructive" kind), humiliation, shame and fear have crept into my first real post.

I think it's because it's nearly 1:00 AM and I am a bit tired. I'll be funnier ( I know, I know--grammatical fauxpa) tomorrow.

ps. Note to self: how will I write what I really want if I am constantly worried about people actually reading this? Discuss & nitey nite.

Dear God - Please help me to not eat that Cheetoh.

Yep, I did it. I asked the Lord Almighty for restraint from a CHEETOH. At the end. Bottom of the barrel. End of the Road. That's where I'm at. No worry...not like I'm ready to actually meet the Big Guy in the Sky. I just want to be able to fit into my pants.

So here's how this all unfolded. I'm at Sam's with RRB. Told him to grab a couple bags of something they would like in their lunches. Chip type stuff. Don't pay much attention. A couple days later RRB grabs this bag out of the pantry. It's an orangish red bag with pictures on it of all the different types of things (fun, yummy items to eat) that are mixed together in the bag. I commented on how gross that all looked. Yeah, right mom---what are you talking about? This stuff is great! Well, it just looks gross.

So a few days after that while making the kids lunches early in the morning, I take a harder look at that bag. Yeah, some of that stuff I like too. So I stick my paw into the bag and draw out a small handful of "stuff". Sure enough...RRB was correct in his assessment of the "orange stuff". Pretty darned tasty. Like you've never known me to be somewhat "positive" about any food items before, huh? Here's the deal...I, unfortunately, like practically ALL food items. And, to ever even think that I wouldn't care for something is ridiculous. Picky--not so much. So, turns out I like the orange stuff. Surprise, surprise!

Alrighty--so how does God end up all mixed up in all this you ask. Well, I've got a little time on my hands this past Thursday. I'd just completed one of my good deeds for the month...my Meals on Wheels route. And, I've been perusing my closet trying to find something more "stylish" to wear (is that what the problem was? just no style?) So, very matter-of-factly I decide I'm going to stop in Dress Barn and pick up a couple more stylish tops to wear. I go, without much hesitation, I choose...the largest size in every item. I hit the dressing room. I try one top on ("try" being the key word here), and I try on the next and the next and the next and the next twenty items. NONE looked good--that is, if i could even get them on. Keep in mind, it wasn't like I could go out and get another size like I hear the other people in the dressing room doing. I was already in the biggest size possible. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror at one point and briefly comment in my head.."whew". Not a good "whew" by the way. So, after all this determination, I've got one shirt that is wearable left hanging on the "keep" hook. This is pathetic. I am about to get my own clothes back on, when I make the conscientious decision to turn and take a good hard look at myself in the mirror. No denying---it was disgusting. Really. It really was just plain old gross. I was a bit taken aback. Sort of shocked and then very quickly mad. How on earth did I let myself get like this? Seriously, I really don't know how I let this happen...or do I?

I leave the store feeling defeated, ugly, pathetic, disappointed and mad. I mean, I'm an ok person. I've got a decent enough personality. I do kind things. Good Heavens, I just finished taking food to the less fortunate. People seem to like me. I'm smart, rather humorous at times, conscientious for the most part...I'm a good person. So what's up with the atrocious body fat? It was everywhere. Arms, back, legs, butt and don't even want to revisit the gut picture in my head. Yuck. What on earth have I done to myself?...and, more importantly...why?

Enter GOD--or so I think later on.

I also need shoes. Maybe now would be a good time to run in the shoes store and pick up some of those cute little round toe flats everyone is wearing. I mean shoes are always going to look great right? No worries there--uh-huh. So off to DSW I go. I run in, grab everything (4 boxes) I remotely like...and in a size smaller too!! Wow. At least my feet have shrunk. Yeah right.

Head home throw all packages in a corner and prepare for a busy kid evening. While RRB is at wrestling practice, AMB and I run our Supercenter errand. I throw all sorts of things in the basket. Lots of cute flip flops for AMB, our food items, some taking-care-of-feet items, and some bathing suits that I literally yanked from the rack in haste. I'd like to interject at this point that our entire family is going to Hawaii in a little less than four months. Of COURSE I'll need a bathing suit or two. So we run to the checkout as it's getting to be time to pick RRB up. I see a copy of Good Housekeeping on the checkout aisle and it says something about a bunch of women who lost a lot of weight and kept it off and their "secrets". How many times have we all heard THAT one! I throw it on the checkout belt.

Well, after getting home, unloading, getting kids settled for the night, I finally have time to try the rest of my sure-to-fit purchases on. OMG!! I had no idea that even little round toed flats could make you look as if you had just gained 43 pounds...but apparently they can. Suffice it to say it was one tiny notch up from the morning's Dress Barn experience. Dejected and upset again, I plop down (nope, putting on the ol' tennies and taking a jog did NOT enter my mind at this point) and pick up that Good Housekeeping article. Well, the long and short of it is that these women decided to start exercising some and eating less. WELL DUHHHHH!

ENTER GOD---you know the story about the flood waters and the guy who doesn't leave the top of his house because he knows God is going to save him?? That's when it hit me. Not once, not twice, but THREE times today God has chuckled to himself and said, "how on earth did i create such s-l-o-w people"---and He's said that after throwing me the not one, not two, but THREE life preserves. #1 - There will be no tops in THE LADY'S STORE that fit you. #2 - After you ignore that one, all SHOES you try on will make you appear even larger. #3 - Catch a clue (even God gets weary), YOU JUST STOP EATING SO MUCH AND MOVE AROUND SOME MORE.

So, there I sat this morning while making the kids lunches saying a real-life prayer to God to help me not stick that dad-gum Cheetoh in my mouth. Can you believe that? Can you believe after all this agony that I STILL want to stick that darned Cheetoh in my mouth. Lord. Oh yeah--guess he wants me to do all the work, huh?! Well, for now I imagine He's got my back.