The Humming of the Clothes Dryer

D-E-E-P E-X-H-A-L-E............

Here is what I am experiencing right at this very moment: the low hum of a clothes dryer working overtime, the clinks, clashes and beeps of a new wii Mario Cart game, a yearning to have not a single Christmas decoration in sight, a constant "need" to check American Airlines flight status for the next 16 hours to make sure my son returns to Germany safely, and an overwhelming desire to cry!

No, it's not possible for it to be hormonal. Stress...nope, that's all gone too. Relief...maybe somewhat. You know I think it's just everything. Everything all lumped into one big fat culmination of reality. Reality that a.) Norman Rockwell must have painted only fictional scenes. b.) Planning and executing are two TOTALLY different things c.) letting things take their course is usually best d.) Having your husband repeatedly tell you "c" while you (me) are still fighting the urge to "plan" means that he was right and you were...well...misguided e.) regardless of plans, families are unique and wonderful and funny and growing and changing entities that we are blessed to experience and be participants within.

Now, having said all that, what is up with this post-Christmas blues stuff? Is it the weather? Is it having to put all this Christmas junk up? (Of course, some around here contend that if not as much were put out, then it would be far easier to take everything down--odd logic, don't you agree?) It's just weird after Christmas--that's all there is to it. We had one heckuva Christmas here. We really did. We were all together. We had a truly WHITE Christmas. We were blessed to give and receive wonderful gifts.

So why is it that now I have this odd uncomfortable feeling of ... peace. A couple friends have just posted some clever comments relating to my perceived inability to relax, however, I'll have you all know that I just sat up in my bed and folded three loads of laundry while watching Desperate Housewives and quietly weeping at a hearty episode of Brothers & Sisters. Is that not relaxing? Surely it is. Does the fact that I also sucked on some sunflower seeds make the whole scenario lean more toward the relaxing side?

Here is my reality. My reality is that relaxing, at least for me, is a bit over-rated. A few examples: A TWO HOUR AND FORTY MINUTE movie about a science fiction character called Avatar who just doesn't like the idea of their "hood" (a tree of life) gettng blown to smitherenes by the evil militia group wanting to take over the universe....SERIOUSLY??? You mean to tell me that sitting and watching the blood curdling screech of girl avatar should be more relaxing than...say...vacuuming? At least when I vacuum I can hear the nice low hum of that little machine I am pushing, my floor ends up cleaner. When I sat "relaxing" for TWO HOURS AND FORTY MINUTES all I ended up with was a ringing headache and a sore butt.

I think the whole clothes dryer/decorations/crying thing is about change. I think that we humans don't necessarily "do" change well...at least not innately. And, sisters and brothers, we got a whole lotta change goin' on around here. I thought I liked change, I think I still may. And maybe it's not really about change, maybe it's about all the unknowns. About an innate fear of things not being as "okay" as they are now. Of our children failing, of our children being put in harms way, of losing a loved one, of not being able to manage everything, of meeting new people, of losing friends, of not doing a good enough job, of not understanding something, of being tired.

So for now my reality is that I fear my life will be very different a year from now and maybe there's really nothing to be afraid of, but if there is, I'm going to embrace it with everything I've got and if that means "suffering" through a TWO HOUR AND FORTY MINUTE movie about blue people in order to be with the people I love the very most, then by golly I'll do it!

But I think they should sit quietly with me soon and listen to the clothes dryer running.