Mr. Crabs Isn't Going to Make It Much Longer

This is what I have to tell my 10-yr old today. I was commissioned this morning to change Mr. Crabs water (which I did, nearly forgetting Mr. Crabs is a salt-water lover which entails adding a dechlorination solution and salt crystals) and "maybe try and clean out his sand". Well the latter was much more difficult than anticipated and after observing Mr. Crabs behavior, I came to the "mom conclusion" that mixing the sand up thereby burying the icky stuff to the bottom, would be sufficient for what I think will be Mr. Crabs last few days of living on this earth.

Now, I know that many a parent has performed these same duties for their young sons and daughters. And I know that many a child has beemed with joy as mine did lugging their crab, their frog, their tadpole home from their loving teacher's left-over science project. Here's what I don't know...is this some kind of conspiracy? Is it a conspiracy to keep the crustacean accessories industry afloat? I think so!

As I understand it, the teacher orders these short-lived creatures for her classroom to observe in as close to a "natural habitat" as can be created in a flourescent lit, formica cladden science lab full of 9 and 10 year olds. Then those creatures arrive, most are alive, however some have not traveled as well and are "discarded". Of course the kids know the exact count of DOA's and have also attentively observed the "poor little frog" or "poor little crabs" peril upon arrival.

Now, here's the problem. We all know that these creatures do not live long under any circumstance, far less under the care of a 4th grader...or her busy mother...or brother...or pet dog. I mean, would someone please stand up and tell me, give me the evidence that they have, know of or can prove a crab or frog or tadpole that has lived post-elementary science lab past the age of 26 days or so? There is a prize for any one who can prove that to me.

So, here's where the conspiracy comes in. There must be some agreement that the teacher must make with the company providing these creatures that says all remaining living creatures must be lugged home in a stinky, sticky, noise filled busload of children, then dragged down a few blocks to a home of a caring child who foresees her crab living beyond the day she will leave for college. When the teacher accepts this aggreement, the company then mails said science experiments to teacher. At some point the pet stores and crustacean lobbyists across the country come in to play. They must pay the companies that supply these creatures to the teachers. They must pay them a percentage for every agreement these companies can get the teacher to make. Because before your caring, creature-loving child is allowed to bring this still-living (lucky) creature home, you TOO have to sign saying that it is ok and that you will provide the very lucky creature with the proper environment...herein lies the conspiracy.

So, you get the child running in the door with a clear plastic cup commonly used for rainbow sherbet punch at a wedding reception. Instead the cup contains a little sand and, in our case, two crabs...fiddler crabs so they say. My daughter is immediately needing an aquarium, salt water, dechlorination drops, fish food, or even better crustacean food and washed grass from outside (I immediately draw the line at washing grass from outside seeing as our own clothing is still piled up in various stages of dirty, washed not dried, dried not folded and buried throughout the house). Did that form I signed yesterday mention all this? Surely they can make it one day without their special needs...we'll go tomorrow.

Tomorrow comes and little fiddler crab has already perished. Time is running out. The 10 year old suggest an early morning run to the local pet store BEFORE school to assure remaining crabs life. Fortunately I can vouch that said pet store is not even open then and we will just have to wait till she returns from school. When she gets home, she hits the door yelling out if "Mr. Crabs" is still alive, I reply in the affirmative. She then begins a multi-tasking venture the likes of which I have never seen her do before. She leaps upstairs runs into the shower and does all after-school chores faster than she's ever done all year. This is big---really big.

We are off to the pet store. Yes, this IS a conspiracy. One teeny tiny fiddler crab. About the size of the tip of my thumb. Does this creature need a $24.99 tank to "have room to run around in"? I think not. We finally find something around the $15 mark. But then there's food, and salt and sand. Can't we just use dirt from outside? What about table salt, I'm sure that's ok. Must Mr. Crab dine on dried miniature shrimp? I would like shrimp tonight too. Ok, we're in negotiating phase now. I'll buy these "necessities" (who came up with glow-in-the-dark sand? Secretly, I find it a pretty cool idea!), but Mr. Crabs is residing in a tupperware dish until we see if he will acclamate to our efforts in making him part of the family.

That evening after purchasing the "necessities" for Mr. Crabs, I find out from another mom that just last year, she too purchased same "necessities" and was able to get all of 12 days use out of them. She still had all the supplies complete with the air vented, color topped plastic aquarium giving your special fiddler crab that extra running room they yearn for...sucker! She tells me to return everything we've bought (fortunately we'd yet to make it home with the supplies at that point) and she would let us borrow everything she had--yay!! Bet the aquarium, fish food, special salt companies didn't plan on THAT now did they!

Well, Mr. Crabs has been set up now for 5 or 6 days. My daughters room smells like the building at the zoo where they keep the alligators...all from this one little crustacean and his (?) dried mini-shrimp food, I'm sure. But after completely my requested tasks today, I noticed Mr. Crabs isn't quite as lively as in days past. The big pincher isn't flailing about, he's not crabbing around with quite the same pep in his step and I really think he's starting to change color a little. So this is the part where we learn (and have the privilege of teaching) all about the circle of life, God's plan and conspiratorial agreements made between public education, science experiment providers and crab food companies...wonder how THAT conversation is going to go?!