It's Still Here-Part 2; #20 THE LIGHT

OK--I really wanted to start with #7-Modern Medicine, but it looks like we've just gotta get #20-"The Light" topic out of the way for everyone...right?

Before I get into this whole "light" issue, let me tell you straight up--I believe in God. I don't know about the whole "light" thing, but it wouldn't surprise me. I also believe in aliens cause I'm not sure God was ok, with we humans being IT and I know He's got a sense of humor and a crazy sense of irony. So I can't help but think that maybe we just might not be the only beings around this universe, or any other.

Having stated that, I also have a disclaimer---I cannot affirm nor deny the validity of any of what I may express regarding my recent near death/did die/second life experience (I have yet to determine what to call this episode, but I know it was more than a "spell") What I mean by this is, I can only express what happened from my perspective. I am hoping to eventually track down someone who was more consciously there, but I'm not sure that will ever happen. So, what I may view as a psychological or emotional experience, may have been the result of me getting stuck real fast with a big giant shot of something. What I may express as a physical trauma, in reality, may have been a patient (me) being "uncooperative"...yes, that phrase was used and yes, I take a little issue with that one! So my disclaimer is simply that this is my perspective as accurately as I can tell it and that's all.

Now...The Light--I'm tired of using quotation marks so I'm going to caps instead. The Light is a funny topic to me. I am stunned at the number of people, particularly strangers, that wait with baited breath for me to mention The Light. I don't mention it. And now I don't mention it for sheer folly for myself to see how the person inquiring about the experience gets around to asking or mentioning it themselves! A little human interaction study for my own personal entertainment. Not in any way intended to be mean or unkind, simply an observation of how we humans work.

Here are some of the approaches I've fielded after giving a brief version of "what happened to me":

• So you died? Sort of I guess. Wellllll??? Well what? Well, did youuuuu.... Yes? Did you see anything? Like what? You know. Like a light or something???

• OH MY GOSH! DID YOU SEE THE LIGHT?

• Wow, that's incredible. There wasn't any light was there?

• Anything else? Umm, no. So you were dead? Well, I guess for a minute or two I was. And there was nothing else? Well, I was kind of out of it. I don't know what else was going on at the time. No, I mean for you?

So, now that you've been so patiently waiting, courteously refraining from asking (which I really don't mind anyhow!) or just voyeuristically curious (that would be me)--here's the deal...

I saw no Light. Now, before you roll on the floor in frustration, drop your mouth open in fear that I'm doomed to hell, or sit dumb-founded staring at the screen thinking, "I just knew SHE would see the light" (by the way, thank you, if the latter is what you were thinking) I want you to remember a few things:

1. Remember I said I do believe in God, I'm not sure what the whole Light deal is with Him and I do believe He has a good sense of humor...and timing. And, no, I'm really not kidding about all this.

2. I really, REALLY didn't WANT to see a light. As a matter of fact, I was doing my very, very best to just hang on and not lose conscientiousness. And, having never been in this type of predicament before, all I could remember to help me was that information from those stupid Lamaze classes back when I thought I would have "natural child birth", and "finding a focal point". So, while in the ambulance, that's what I tried to do...until I realized I was focusing on one of those ugly, dim halogen can lights. I thought to myself, "what the heck am I doing? I don't want to focus on a Light!", so I quickly switched up and began to focus on the window...hence my ability to recognize the incredibly long route we were taking.

3. I know that God is perfection. I really believe that. But it may not be perfection in the sense that we know perfection and I'm not certain that everything around Him is--there are some kinks that He's constantly having to work out. And I think those kinks are both here on earth and up there with Him. He, of course can run the show all on His own, but I think He tends to enlist the help of others (can you say, "Father, Son & the Holy Spirit"?); perhaps many others. You know He's got a lot of Big Priorities to take care of Himself. And I don't pretend to know how the whole death and dying gig goes down up there. I don't know why it wouldn't be similar to Jimmy Stewarts It's a Wonderful Life--that seems perfectly logical to me.

But for the sake of argument, in my case, I really think this whole Light thing, falls under one of two (possibly three) scenarios, or, perhaps a combination of both--remember, I'm talking about my case here (you'll have your own case one day):

• Clerical Error - someone very similar to me was being "called home", their ship was sailing, they'd run the course, their gig was up--for whatever reason they were going to die (I don't mind using the "d" word - more on that in Chapter 1 later). The runners were given the papers, nabbed me for that person and then, when it was realized that Stephanie Biddick was NOT said person who's time was up, a flurry of activity went into play to make things right. Paperwork had to be switched out, assistants had to check and re-check the records, He had to give His final stamp of approval all while The Light was headed my way. Of course, He's pretty quick if He wants to be, but this was just one of those last minute "oops-I-hope-He-doesn't-find-out-we-screwed-up deals". So The Light may not have been cued, someone may have realized the mistake and shut The Light down to avoid further confusion or they may have just hustled really well avoiding any Light issues in the first place. Regardless, it seems, at least on my end, that it was a close one for Stephanie.

• Desire- I think you have to want to see The Light. Ladies and gentlemen, let's be very clear here. I didn't even want to go to doctors offices this summer, far less find myself bleeding out and suffocating in an ambulance full of high-fiving on-the-job trainees, while I was not too far from seeing The Light. Until September 13th, I've always thought of myself as a bit of a weenie...well, a BIG bit of a weenie. I am certain you all thought I had a shell of titanium. I didn't, but I sure do now. I fought and fought and fought and did NOT want to go where I was certain my body was taking me. So had there been a Light, I think I would have started some fast talking with God about all the extra special plans I was readying myself to implement---that is, if He and I could just make a quick deal. But, as we all know...God doesn't make "deals". God teaches. Could it be that God may have been striking up our "deal" first, saying something along the lines of this:
  "Hey you! Yeah YOU....Stephanie Kay Rourke Biddick. Yeah, I'm trying to get your attention. You know how you are talking about all those people who are nagging at you to just take it easy and do what you are supposed to do...and you keep saying you will, you will? Well, I'm kind of thinking that, based on what I know about you, you very well may not. So, I've been thinking you may need a little dose of reality as to who's really in control around here. Cause, it ain't you. And for that matter it's not those "naggers" either. It's me. I'm in control. I know you are a pretty good gal, you're not too bad a friend, you could use some work in the wife department and you're an ok mom when you're not obsessing, but I think you can do better. I think you can do a lot better. I don't really know if you will, but you've got some potential. I don't expect you to be perfect, but I do expect you to remember why you are here. I think I've got just the thing for you to chew on a bit, contemplate and consider. You can share it if you like, or you don't have to. Your choice. I don't mean for you to be scared. I know you are. But I'm with you through this one. I want you to remember how much I love you and and I want you to remember how much loving each other and all that nagging really means. I'll check in on you later."

I really don't know if that was His point or what He was saying to me, but I wouldn't be too surprised if it was.

• Scenario Three - frankly, I don't like thinking about scenario three. It's not so much about there not being The Light as it is that one doesn't "get" to see it ... well, I'm just not going to go there.

So, no--I saw no Light--it's sort of hard to say that because I tend to feel like I'm letting everyone down. I see the disappointment in their eyes, or I see the reverse--"I KNEW there wasn't a Light" or they just want to shake their heads, as in "dang...I had so hoped". But keep in mind, as much as I don't want to let anyone down I really am glad I didn't see a light, The Light, or Any Light at all! I think it's important that everyone take into consideration their own beliefs and maybe realize that we don't have it down exactly like we thought we did. I know I don't. I was really scared enough. I was trying so hard to give myself another chance. For those of you who haven't heard all the gorey details, I knew...KNEW...without one single doubt, not one single flitter of thought, that I was dying. I did. And yes, it was terrifying. I was terrified. I thought about my kids, I thought about Steve, I thought about all my family and my friends and I begged God, and I prayed and I got scared when I couldn't remember my prayers or didn't know what to say or think. But I always went back to the thought of "I just want to be here now. I want to be right here, with these people and have their love and be able to love all of them right now. It can't be now that I leave. It simply can't be"--and all this happened in minutes. Just small minutes of time in my life.

Since I don't have the whole Light thing to fall back on, I'm going with a mixture of the first two scenarios. And if the third scenario did come into play...well, I'm hoping that I lucked out with a re-do now.

Even though it still bugs me when the house is messy and the dishes are piled up and no one has taken the trash out, Thank you God for showing me the REAL Light and most importantly thank you for teaching me to remember to see that REAL light each and every moment! (a wink from me...as I sponge off the counter, and a nod from Him as He tends to working out a few other kinks)