Let's Make A Deal--at least for today

I think it's time to be a consistent blogger.  It's sad that I looked back and saw that over the last seven years (almost exactly) I have only written 48 blogs and only posted 39 of them.  So, there are 9 unposted thoughts covering what are surely most crucial thoughts.  Let's see....wedding tips (or really "don't do's"), a facebook rant, a lake perspective, a pre-teen conversation, I'm so dang busy thoughts, it's a scary world topic, doctor office rant, a touching oldest son story and a death of a child story.  So, the question is do I go back to those topics, some of which are terribly mundane (seemingly of great importance at the time); others are of serious and sincere nature--Or...do I just move on?

It seems a bit unsteady for me to move on when I am nearly certain I'd feel better telling all the stories leading up to this point.  But the point they lead up to today is fairly anticlimactic.  That's the great thing about blogs--one day a crummy boring story, the next day maybe not.  Maybe I'll just grab and pull from all over.  Maybe those thoughts from four and eight and twelve and twenty months ago needed some fermenting before they could be best told.  Doubtful, but it's possible.  Personally I like a good and accurate "at the moment" rendition followed up by a "reflective" rendition later.

I think for today I'll just tell today's story and work on yesterdays story a little later--maybe with a glass of wine or two.

Today's story is simple...interactive simplicity with a hint of compassion.

Today was a simple day for me.  A Monday, which is usually one of my favorite days in the sense of "re-grouping".  After teaching a Sunday school class last night, I'd decided it would be a good idea to try and put my money where my mouth was and actually practice the challenge I'd made the 8th grade kids--a devotional time specific to our Catholic faith, just once this week.  So after things were tidied up and in order this morning and while wrestling with my daily morning desire of going back to bed at 6:52 when everyone has left for the day, I decided to take on the challenge in addition to a personal commitment to read the Bible daily.  I had some Bible reading catching up to do today, and I did.  And I took the challenge...well...at least part of it.  I fully intend to fulfill it completely today, but for now, the real point on this issue is my intent and attempt--all of which I'm awarding myself good points for simply starting somewhere.

Since my catch up reading took some extra time, my rosary was only partially complete.  But the rosary card I was referencing "gave me permission" to finish later which I found slightly humorous and quite relieving since I had exactly one hour to ready myself for my six month check-up with my wonderful doctor.  So, off I went.  My appointment had been changed on Friday from 9:00 with the wrong doctor they had mistakenly scheduled me with, to a "work-in" with the correct doctor at 11:00.  I was my standard five minutes late.  And I waited.  And waited.  This normally would have frustrated me terribly, and I have to be honest in saying that I was getting a bit antsy had it not been for multiple tries of Spider Solitaire and the expert level of Sudoku on my handy dandy phone.  But they eventually called my name, went over the standard "how are you feeling today" interview and left me to wait some more in solitude.  Dr. Reese is always very aware of his tardiness and, at about an hour into this "appointment" he ducked in to promise me he'd be with me shortly and thanked me for my patience.

Dr. Reese and I have a bit of a history together...especially after the last 15 months or so (see previous blogs).  He's a kind, concerned firm doctor.  He knows his stuff and is somewhat "old school" but is generally willing to consider newer theories if they are scientifically logical.  I like that about Dr. Reese.  Today proved he is a reasonable man.  The question for me at this point in my life is how many prescriptions can I avoid.  One has to do that by being healthy right?  Well, if that's not incentive enough then maybe a hard-core whirlwind spring trip with my youngest daughter and 50 other people will keep my mind on the healthy ball---but more on that later.  Regardless, I have to take one prescription pill daily, or I eventually croak.  (Google thyroidectomy for further proof)  So I take it since I really like living.

I also have this issue with my blood pressure.  It's up, it's down, it's up, it's down...but it's ALWAYS up when I see Dr. Reese.  White coat syndrome I think they call it.  But he doesn't buy it.  So last year he insisted I be on a very low-dose blood pressure medicine--something called Bystolic which helps with the high heart rate I had as well.  I did and I eventually felt worse taking it, and he allowed me to stop it.  Then there was an appointment where we "bargained" a bit so I wouldn't have to go back on it.  I did better and won.  And now we are at "today" and blood pressure time comes and he's not real happy.  It's not super, super high, but it's kind of high.  We talk about my diet, which has been Weight Watcher approved now for a few weeks and we talk about exercise which has been increased in the last month moreso than the last five years.  No results so much, but I feel really good and contend that should account for something, right?  After a standard amount of him-ha-ing around he "asks" if I would be terribly opposed to trying a new medication.  I him-ha around the appropriate and respectful amount of time and sort of blurb out a "wlll, a...ya...Imn...k"---something pretty much like that.  As he discusses the new medication I keep thinking about that show Let's Make a Deal and the effervescent host Monty Hall.  I loved that show.  Dr. Reese is no Monty Hall, but I can tell he's a player.  Before he finishes up with his calm instructive presentation about "XYZ" blood pressure medicine, I blurt out,

"Wait a minute...remember how I told you I haven't been taking my blood pressure because I'd felt good?

Yes...

Well, what if I started taking it again (would have been good if I could have pulled the machine out of my purse just like in the show!)...and then I'll check back with you in a week or two or three or...whatever you say and.... I pinky swear to let you know the accurate readings?  Could I hold off on medicine "XYZ" for a while?

Hmmm.... well, yes, I think we could try that.  It's not terribly high and your heart rate was very good.

Ok, so readings twice a day for a week or two or....??

No, just two or three reading a week.  Why don't we say for six weeks...maybe eight.  And then you come back in and we will re-group.

What if it's consistently high in the next two weeks?  (well, I'm not stupid...)

Call and we need to get you on a low dose of something."

Whew--dodged that bullet (pill) and now have to go prove myself via Jillian Michaels or some other similar torturous method.

So see...that, (and my religious challenges!) being the highlight of my day surely makes some of the aforementioned topics even more mundane and the other more serious topics seem at least unbalanced next to a post like todays.

That's how life is...at least for me.  But I've learned that these Let's Make A Deal doctor appointment experiences put a scary world story or a touching son story or even the death of a child story into much better perspective. And vise versa... It was nice to not be frustrated an hour and forty five minutes later when I was finally leaving the doctors building.  It was nice of the lady in the waiting room complimenting my hair "style" and it was nice to visit with Dr. Reese.  These are the experiences of day to day living and it's important that I remember their value---every breath is a gift, no matter where that breath is taken.

My Teacher is 14

I had a dream last night.  It was pretty weird as most of my dreams are.  It involved me wandering into a camp that cared for animals which was smack dab in the middle of a beautiful fancy neighborhood.  I was looking for the person with whom I was supposed to speak about a job.  My neighbor saw me and, as my neighbor is normally in "real life", welcomed me to the group, introduced me to my new boss (a kind and gentle elderly woman) and I was not only put to work immediately, but also in charge of meeting the animal inspector who was there...now.  Somewhere in this dream there were also a multitude of big, giant, humongous angry snakes that were all after me or in my way.  I was supposed to be looking not only like I knew what I was doing, but that I wasn't too afraid of all the snakes that were everywhere.  The young and understanding inspector caught on, assured me it was okay and that I was doing just fine.  Finally I explained to him that it was my first day and he said he'd come back later.  Realizing it was closing time, I needed to leave to get my daughter.  Someone stopped me as I was hurriedly rushing to my car and let me know that Mrs. So & So (someone I apparently knew) had picked her up and she was swimming with the other children in the pool in the back.

I walked to "the back" which was a vast expanse of majestic rural beauty off the back of the mansion "camp" I had been employed for the day.  I couldn't see the pool, but walked in the general direction of activity that I had spotted.  As I drew closer I began to hear laughter--kid laughter.  The closer I got, the more familiar one particular laugh was...

As I came up to the pool which was also not so shabby, I saw my daughter romping around with several other kids.  Most younger, a few her age.  None she or I knew.  I looked at Mrs. So and So (who I knew in my dream) and she smiled and nodded.  I watched a few of the other parents who seemed to know each other and they were visiting and periodically glancing to the pool smiling at their own children and that "new girl" who was playing with their kids and then they'd politely smile at me.  I watched her for a while and took a lot of pleasure in seeing the happy contentment that she had in simply splashing around with some kids who were total strangers.  She eventually saw me, knew it was time to go, hopped out of the pool, told each and every child bye and I woke up.

Yes, I have very detailed dreams...I can tell you more, but that's really not the point.  The point is about that daughter of mine, both in the dream and out of the dream.  In the dream I was so unsure of myself.  I was persistent, but unsure and at times afraid.  (the snakes WERE really bad ones).  I remember feeling awkward and uneasy and out of place.  But as I watched my daughter play in that pool she was everything opposite of that.  Not at all unsure, not awkward, seemingly comfortable and feeling right at home with perfect strangers as her peers in that moment.

That's where dream and reality meet.  Granted, in the dream she's playing in a swimming pool...not a whole lot of pressure there.  But in real life, she's the same way.  She always has been.  

Fourteen years ago today my life was graced with this small wondrous child.  She certainly wasn't my first, but she was my most intriguing.  She hadn't exactly fit into our family's plan at the time. Again, I was nervous, unsure, awkward and sometimes afraid of what her birth would be like, how life with her would impact our lives, my life, at the time.  She was a novelty to our group of friends, an initial shock for several family members and a constant source of Q&A time with our three children, who were old enough to realize that none of their  friends moms and dads were still adding babies to their family.  

So she entered the world amidst a great deal of love and excitement.  She was happy and easy and sweet and funny and intuitive and amazingly "wise".  She was a teacher from the moment she was born.  She taught me how to be less uptight.  She taught me that things would be ok even if everything wasn't done "just right".  She taught me that I could be patient and that patience was comforting.  She taught me that time spent together was a true bonding experience.  She taught me how to see my older kids in a different, less critical light.  She taught me how to pay attention and recognize growth and achievement in small things.  She taught me how to be a better mom.  She has unknowingly continued for the last fourteen years to teach me.  Not just about myself but about family, relationships and other people.  

But listening or learning with my heart has never been one of my strong suits, so I was a bit of a slow student.  I remember nearly two years after she was born I was telling my mom something about her--nothing bad, just some thought I had about her and being a "baby mom" again.  I was appreciating the baby time more this time around.  I "got" that it wouldn't last long and I needed and wanted to treasure it.  But I guess I still felt somewhat awkward--as if I knew what to do, but was still in disbelief that I was "having" to do it.  Without missing a beat, my mom said, "Stephanie, when are you going to come to grips with the fact that you have another child?"  She was kidding...sort of.  But she made her point--I hadn't made the leap to the "oh-I-keep-this-one-all-the-time-now" part.  I'm pretty sure she used the word "denial"

I loved this little girl with every fiber in me, and I have thought of that interchange many times and wondered what made it so different for me.  Part of it was that I really was older.  How we think and accomplish things in our mid-20s and late-30's are very different.  But I think the real reason I was still "in denial", as my mother had so gently referenced, was because of the same insecurities I had in my dream--being unsure and awkward, out of place and afraid.  What if I don't do a good job this time?  What if I'm a crummy parent?  What if I get tired?  What If I can't find enough time for everyone?  What about when she's older and we are a LOT older?  What will people say, or think of her...of us?  What ... what...what...

And there she would be...there that little girl was, looking up at me with a dirty face and dirty hands from playing outside, half of her clothes pulled off and all she wanted was to smile and laugh and have a hug or a belly rub.  And, a cookie or goldfish would be good too.  She didn't care one bit about any of those things.  She was here.  She was doing her job.  She was happy and loving and smart and yeah---everyone loved her.  She wasn't just a gift, a bonus, a jackpot...she was our gift, our bonus, our jackpot...she was the love that not only wrapped our family up, but put a big, fat, sparkly bow around us.  She was love.

And today, 14 years later, she still is.

I pray that she remains confident and comfortable, outgoing and yet still naive of the "bad stuff" of life, caring and concerned, smart and intuitive, loving and kind and happy.  Eager to be an active part of life, interested in other people, willing to help and share and learn. I pray that she is well-loved and well-taught--at least half as well as she has loved and taught me. I pray that I continue to have an open heart that learns from those precious unassuming moments when I am presented with a gift of insight into God's creation and love for us.  Mostly I pray that she know in her heart that same love and insight and that God graces her with a "gold star" or, better yet, a big, fat, sparkly bow...if nothing more than for being the most amazing teacher a mom could have. 

Happy 14th Birthday Anne!

Love, 

Your Mom, the student

A Letter To My Son--

Tomorrow you will be getting married.

Yesterday you came into this world in a big heap of curly-headed preciousness.  You are still precious.

I have been extremely blessed that God picked me to be your mom.  You have not always been easy.  You have challenged me and made me angry and made me sad, much the same as I have you.  But mostly you have challenged me to be a better person--to be a better mother, to strive to be more patient, to open my mind and heart to possibilities that I was unfamiliar with, to be more gentle, to laugh a lot more, to hold in more regard the time we are given, to try and understand more deeply the feelings of others.  Those are things you did for me and I am grateful.

As much as we hear people say "they grew up so fast", it is true.  You have.  You have grown up far faster than I was prepared for.  You have done things the way you wanted...since you were three.  You have failed in a few and succeeded in most.  I have wanted to be there to catch you when you fall, to help you up when you were down and to wrap my arms around you and hold you like when you were little when you were sad--even when you didn't want me to.  But, in recent years I haven't.  I have tried to support and advise and comfort in a way that you would appreciate.  In a way that would lend itself to you learning on your own.  And I think you have.

I believe that however quickly you have grown, you have grown into a responsible, intelligent, personable, kind-hearted, hard-working, talented young man.  I believe you can do anything you set your mind to.  I believe that you can pick yourself up after a fall, to help yourself when you are down and to understand the gift of God's love when you are sad and alone.  I believe you are, not only my child, but one of God's children.  I believe you are destined for happiness and contentment as long as you simply do what's right.  I believe that the very worst thing is to have regrets, and if you always try to do what's right you will never have regrets.

Now you are moving on to another chapter of your life.  You will be sharing your entire life with another young lady.  You will start each day and end each day together.  Together, you will have joyous times, wonderful experiences, happy days, memorable events and special connections.  Those are the sweetness of married life--hold on to them with her and cherish them together.  Regardless of how small, they are all equal in their importance in your marriage.  Together, you will also have heartache, sorrow, anger, fear, hurt, pain and frustration.  Those are the challenges of marriage and of a meaningful life together.  These are the things that require great resolve in your dedication and devotion to each other and to your married life together.  These are the things that will bond you far more than the happy times.  These are things that will make you strong and resilient and faithful.  These are the things that will require you to be patient,  gentle, understanding and to have an open mind and heart.  The conflicts and hard times are what you will look back on as your greatest lessons.  These are the times that you need to ask for help from God and then, later, thank Him for your getting through those times as well.

Keeping God in your life will help your marriage more than any one single thing--but since I'm your mom, I am thinking I have earned one moment of time to impart any small bits of wisdom I may have acquired over the years...

Pray - don't be too busy.
Ask for help - don't be too proud
Forgive and ask for forgiveness - don't be stubborn
Be kind - don't be hurtful
Laugh - a lot
Be tender - don't be harsh
Allow people to love you - don't shut down
Be helpful - don't be inconvenienced
Give a lot - don't be selfish
Remember birthdays, special occasions and "to-do's" - don't be forgetful
Be cheerful - don't whine
Keep learning new things - don't get "stuck" in old habits

Always be honest and tell the truth with others and yourself - don't hide and manipulate

Work hard - don't be lazy
Be thankful - don't complain
Go to church - don't make excuses

Remembering that God and family are the two most important substances in your life and marriage, above and beyond anything you can imagine.  Both will always be there for you.

My speech is over and your day is nearing.  I am anxious and excited for you and your wife to experience all the blessings of married life.  I am wishing you all the very best that life together has to offer.  I am praying for you both--for both of your resilience, for your contentment and for your happiness.

But most of all I am telling you that not only will you always be precious to me, but your wife is precious to me.  She is precious because she has chosen you to live out her life with.  She is precious because she's your friend.  She is precious because she thinks you are funny.  She is precious because she is willing to help you and cherish you and sacrifice for you.  She is precious because she loves you. You have chosen well, and I know she is precious to you.

Ryan, I am so proud of the young man you have become.  I am proud of the husband I know you can and will be.  Enjoy your day--every moment, every person, every word...they will fade away in your memory over time, but will remain precious in your heart...as you remain precious in mine.

I love you,

Mom

#19-Final Thoughts-Part B

This is the second part to the "Final Thoughts-what those thoughts say about you as a human and do you really want to know?" in the It's Still Here post on September 19th.  This was after my September 13th "Event", where I nearly croaked after a routine elective surgery.  The nearly croaking part is what I'm referring to when I say "Final Thoughts".  I had them...final thoughts that is.  I knew I was dying--there was no doubt.(I really prefer the word "croaking" much better but the frog reference isn't perhaps serious enough for my thoughts here)  One can not have their airways slowly fill with fluid and not know they will eventually be kicking the proverbial bucket.  So during that time I chose to do and think the following:

1.  Panic.  Yes.  Panic.  I know it is always better to STAY CALM, and surprisingly, in an emergency I am usually fairly calm.  However, try drowning and see how calm you stay.  You can't.  It is physically impossible.  So, I eventually panicked.  I think that just says that I'm normal.

2.  Became irritated and eventually angry.  Surprise, surprise.  Any of you who know me will laugh at this.  But I must say in my defense that it sure didn't help that my medical "team" (and I use that word VERY loosely) at the time didn't have the sense to realize there was a real emergency going on here.  Maybe it was because in my trying-to-be-a-good-patient phase I threw out a bit of humor here and there and they just  couldn't imagine a patient as clever as me being in danger; maybe it was because the uber good looking firemen had just high-fived my ambulance team of three women and distracted them from the situation at hand; maybe it was because this was assumed to be a training run and blowing out one of my large veins with their largest needle while I am bleeding out in my neck seemed a good training method; or maybe they were just clueless.  But having to argue that you aren't going to "make it much longer" with your emergency ambulance person so that she will just get the vehicle GOING in the direction of the hospital, is a frustrating position to be in.  Never mind the extraordinarily circuitous route "Shelly" took. So yeah, I got a little cranky, which again, seems a bit normal to me.

3.  Concentrated.  At least I thought I was concentrating.  When you are in this situation and you know you have to be as calm as possible but you also know that you are slowly and steadily losing your physical capabilities to stay conscious, concentrating becomes a bit tricky.  I decided it was NOT a good idea to focus on the bright lights in the ceiling of the ambulance; instead I would focus on the scenery going by out the window of the back of the ambulance.  I would try not to listen to the blaring siren and I would think (hopefully calmly) about things that were important to me.  So that is what I did.  I'm not sure what this says about me, other than that, even then, there may have been a few moments of good judgment left within me.

4.  Think.  Amazingly, not once did I think "wow my pants are unzipped"; "jeez my hair must be nasty looking"; "I wonder when the new version of iphone is coming out" or "I wish I could get that new dining room set now"  What I did think was, oh my gosh...my KIDS...do they know how much I love them?  Were my last words kind or not?  What about Steve?  Does he know the same?  Will he be ok taking care of Anne? Do my parents know how much they taught me and how much I have always valued it?  Did I ever tell my sister how much I loved her? Do my friends know how much they meant to me?  Will these ladies in this ambulance be able to keep me alive and why can't they go faster?  It's amazing how much your mind can really "think" when you are concentrating on nothing more than living.  I'm glad I thought because now I can make sure that all the things I was worried about aren't something I'll have to worry about again when I really do kick the not-so-proverbial bucket.

5.  Pray.  I heard someone say recently that non-believers are one crisis away from being a believer.  Very true.  What he left out was believers are one crisis away from becoming beggars.  I did a lot of praying on that ambulance ride--some of it practically begging.  However, no bargaining.  There was no time for any bargaining.  The ride seemed long, or my thoughts were succinct.  But I realized that I was going to need a little extra help on this one and there pretty much wasn't anyone left to ask for assistance besides Him.  So praying came quickly.  I prayed for help and strength and protection and grace.  I prayed for myself and for my family.  I think I forgot to pray for the ambulance ladies, which may have been part of the problem.  But honestly toward the end--I prayed for courage.  I was very scared.  Very.  Very. Scared.

and finally, the most quizzical or telling Final Thought...

6.  Candor or Humor?  As the ambulance was approaching the hospital I knew I wasn't, as my mother says, "long for this world".  I honestly don't remember if I was attempting verbalization or just panicky or struck with the silent-deer-in-the-headlight look.  What I remember is knowing I couldn't hold on much longer. I remember them whisking me out of the ambulance, ramming my gurney into the Emergency Center through the doors that open very quickly when rammed into.  I remember a sensation of speed (as much a sensation of speed as one can feel on a hospital gurney) into a hallway and then, what I remember is bolting myself forward, trying to yell something to the effect of "COULD SOMEONE PLEASE DO SOMETHING HERE?", only to hear a sound of loud irregular gurgling which I then realized was me...my "yelling"...my words were no longer real words, only thoughts in my head that I was unable to convey.  And then I clearly remember thinking to myself this exact thought...

"Maybe I'm just being too dramatic"

...and then I fell to my right side against a hallway wall and life went dark.

Truly, that's exactly what I remember. I don't know how accurate it is in reality, but I DO know THAT was my final thought. I'm a bit disappointed in that.  I'd hoped for something far more brilliant.  Something people could ponder and reflect on for weeks, maybe even months or years.  Something that my kid's kids would tell their kids.  But no.  I simply had the thought that perhaps I'm just being a bit overreactive at the moment.  Now, when I think about what that says about me, I'd like to think it says something wise or strong or meaningful. All I can come up with is that there may have been a glimmer of humor in my submission to the physical situation at hand.  That I'd decided "hey--it's all yours and I really can't do any more to save myself here".  I've never really thought of myself as a dramatic type, a drama queen.  But at that Final Moment, that was my Final Thought--it was "Really Stephanie.  Settle down. Relax. Step aside. Let the professionals do their work and quit your belly-aching."

Maybe that Final Thought is exactly what needed to happen.

They're Baaaack!!

All I wanted to do today was/is sleep.  I. Am. Tired.  There, I said it.  I got up to send my daughter off to school this morning, sat at the computer to contemplate editing some pictures and quickly decided to just go back to bed.  I called the vet and asked if they had a later appointment for today (in hopes that they didn't and I could cancel today's appointment altogether).  No problem, they did.  I tried out the several different "comfort" positions to see which would elicit the quickest slumber, and two hours and forty five minutes later I woke up. I didn't really want to get up then either, but the humiliation of calling the vet again eventually spurred me onto my feet..

Of course the first thing I do when I wake up is stumble into the kitchen for my daily vitamins.  While stumbling that direction I caught sight of something outside.  SomethingSSS outside.  Under the back patio fluttering all around were a couple of birds.  I have a hard time seeing right after waking up in the morning.  So at first glance...robins.  But as they continued to fly back and forth out from under the patio their wings would catch the sunlight and the familiar hues of blue would appear.  The Bluebirds are back today!

And back they were.  I walked into the living room which is completely visible by the entire south side wall of windows, where one of the bluebirds had flown back under the patio and landed on the light fixture next to the back door and right by where I stood inside.  He (she?) looked at me as if to say, "ahem....you haven't been keeping up with our care you know.  It's about to get darned cold and we've got several friends and family and for some reason you expect us to cram ourselves into the one and only house you have prepared appropriately for our stay. Would you mind getting your butt in gear, getting out here and getting that other house closed up, some fresh water added and the feeders filled.  Oh, and by the way...thanks for making an appearance today".  Yep--I guarantee you if that bird could have talked that's what it would have said.

Now the only person who may "get" this without thinking I've lost my marbles is a newfound friend we affectionately refer to as The Birdlady, Marla Bender.  She WILL get this.

I felt a little guilty standing there all messed up and ill-prepared to leap into action on behalf of my guests.  But I did scurry outside to the worm box, brought them in, sifted out a good amount and went outside in the back and sprinkled these well-loved bird treats about the edge of the patio while calling out for my fair weather friends as our Birdlady friend had previously suggested.  Had it not been for my bright aqua flannel snowflake pajamas I would have also, at that very moment, gone out and shut "their" birdhouse that is in the front.  But that was a bit much for me to risk with my neighbors.

Got me to thinking though---a.  how nice that I got to sleep so much this morning--I think I really needed it. b. I find it just a bit ironic that I didn't want to get up and yet, it felt like I was just in the nick of time to see the needs of one of God's creatures, almost as if planned, and c. I wonder what else I missed during that extra sleep?  Just a little longer and I wouldn't have seen the birds that I have been obsessing over and that have been mysteriously MIA lately.

Which leads me to the point---not so much about multiple bluebird sightings, although that is something I can get quite excited about, but more about time and the use of it.  It's clear we all need rest.  Some more than others.  What I find frustrating now is that each day I wake up and think to myself--wow, this day is going to be over before I know it.  Get up & get going, stat!!  There is so much I want to do.  So much I want to accomplish.  Most of the time I feel like I just can't get it all crammed in to a single day or week or month and why?  Well, in today's case the "why" was that I really needed rest.  But I really hate missing stuff too.  I hate enjoying things and not being able to find or make the time to participate in them.

So much to do, so little time--we've all heard that one.  And then all the sudden a bird, or a child or a friend or even a stranger calls out to us in a way that makes us stop and think about or reassess what we are filling our time with.  I know I could do much better.  I waste a ton of time.  I also wish there were just a few hours more in the day.  I contend that is why I used to be such a night owl--packed more into my day that way.  But my body can't do that quite like it used to, so I must readjust.

I am participating in a class on creativity and saw this quote which absolutely summed up how I want to feel now:

"Everything changed the day she figured out there was exactly enough time for the important things in her life."

I guess at the end of today I can look back and see exactly which things were important for me...I hope the bluebirds enjoyed their tasty mealworms today and their warm house tomorrow.