#19-Final Thoughts-Part B

This is the second part to the "Final Thoughts-what those thoughts say about you as a human and do you really want to know?" in the It's Still Here post on September 19th.  This was after my September 13th "Event", where I nearly croaked after a routine elective surgery.  The nearly croaking part is what I'm referring to when I say "Final Thoughts".  I had them...final thoughts that is.  I knew I was dying--there was no doubt.(I really prefer the word "croaking" much better but the frog reference isn't perhaps serious enough for my thoughts here)  One can not have their airways slowly fill with fluid and not know they will eventually be kicking the proverbial bucket.  So during that time I chose to do and think the following:

1.  Panic.  Yes.  Panic.  I know it is always better to STAY CALM, and surprisingly, in an emergency I am usually fairly calm.  However, try drowning and see how calm you stay.  You can't.  It is physically impossible.  So, I eventually panicked.  I think that just says that I'm normal.

2.  Became irritated and eventually angry.  Surprise, surprise.  Any of you who know me will laugh at this.  But I must say in my defense that it sure didn't help that my medical "team" (and I use that word VERY loosely) at the time didn't have the sense to realize there was a real emergency going on here.  Maybe it was because in my trying-to-be-a-good-patient phase I threw out a bit of humor here and there and they just  couldn't imagine a patient as clever as me being in danger; maybe it was because the uber good looking firemen had just high-fived my ambulance team of three women and distracted them from the situation at hand; maybe it was because this was assumed to be a training run and blowing out one of my large veins with their largest needle while I am bleeding out in my neck seemed a good training method; or maybe they were just clueless.  But having to argue that you aren't going to "make it much longer" with your emergency ambulance person so that she will just get the vehicle GOING in the direction of the hospital, is a frustrating position to be in.  Never mind the extraordinarily circuitous route "Shelly" took. So yeah, I got a little cranky, which again, seems a bit normal to me.

3.  Concentrated.  At least I thought I was concentrating.  When you are in this situation and you know you have to be as calm as possible but you also know that you are slowly and steadily losing your physical capabilities to stay conscious, concentrating becomes a bit tricky.  I decided it was NOT a good idea to focus on the bright lights in the ceiling of the ambulance; instead I would focus on the scenery going by out the window of the back of the ambulance.  I would try not to listen to the blaring siren and I would think (hopefully calmly) about things that were important to me.  So that is what I did.  I'm not sure what this says about me, other than that, even then, there may have been a few moments of good judgment left within me.

4.  Think.  Amazingly, not once did I think "wow my pants are unzipped"; "jeez my hair must be nasty looking"; "I wonder when the new version of iphone is coming out" or "I wish I could get that new dining room set now"  What I did think was, oh my gosh...my KIDS...do they know how much I love them?  Were my last words kind or not?  What about Steve?  Does he know the same?  Will he be ok taking care of Anne? Do my parents know how much they taught me and how much I have always valued it?  Did I ever tell my sister how much I loved her? Do my friends know how much they meant to me?  Will these ladies in this ambulance be able to keep me alive and why can't they go faster?  It's amazing how much your mind can really "think" when you are concentrating on nothing more than living.  I'm glad I thought because now I can make sure that all the things I was worried about aren't something I'll have to worry about again when I really do kick the not-so-proverbial bucket.

5.  Pray.  I heard someone say recently that non-believers are one crisis away from being a believer.  Very true.  What he left out was believers are one crisis away from becoming beggars.  I did a lot of praying on that ambulance ride--some of it practically begging.  However, no bargaining.  There was no time for any bargaining.  The ride seemed long, or my thoughts were succinct.  But I realized that I was going to need a little extra help on this one and there pretty much wasn't anyone left to ask for assistance besides Him.  So praying came quickly.  I prayed for help and strength and protection and grace.  I prayed for myself and for my family.  I think I forgot to pray for the ambulance ladies, which may have been part of the problem.  But honestly toward the end--I prayed for courage.  I was very scared.  Very.  Very. Scared.

and finally, the most quizzical or telling Final Thought...

6.  Candor or Humor?  As the ambulance was approaching the hospital I knew I wasn't, as my mother says, "long for this world".  I honestly don't remember if I was attempting verbalization or just panicky or struck with the silent-deer-in-the-headlight look.  What I remember is knowing I couldn't hold on much longer. I remember them whisking me out of the ambulance, ramming my gurney into the Emergency Center through the doors that open very quickly when rammed into.  I remember a sensation of speed (as much a sensation of speed as one can feel on a hospital gurney) into a hallway and then, what I remember is bolting myself forward, trying to yell something to the effect of "COULD SOMEONE PLEASE DO SOMETHING HERE?", only to hear a sound of loud irregular gurgling which I then realized was me...my "yelling"...my words were no longer real words, only thoughts in my head that I was unable to convey.  And then I clearly remember thinking to myself this exact thought...

"Maybe I'm just being too dramatic"

...and then I fell to my right side against a hallway wall and life went dark.

Truly, that's exactly what I remember. I don't know how accurate it is in reality, but I DO know THAT was my final thought. I'm a bit disappointed in that.  I'd hoped for something far more brilliant.  Something people could ponder and reflect on for weeks, maybe even months or years.  Something that my kid's kids would tell their kids.  But no.  I simply had the thought that perhaps I'm just being a bit overreactive at the moment.  Now, when I think about what that says about me, I'd like to think it says something wise or strong or meaningful. All I can come up with is that there may have been a glimmer of humor in my submission to the physical situation at hand.  That I'd decided "hey--it's all yours and I really can't do any more to save myself here".  I've never really thought of myself as a dramatic type, a drama queen.  But at that Final Moment, that was my Final Thought--it was "Really Stephanie.  Settle down. Relax. Step aside. Let the professionals do their work and quit your belly-aching."

Maybe that Final Thought is exactly what needed to happen.