I AM 53

Today I am 53.  In my mind, however, I have been 53 for 8 months as I change my "age" when the first of the year comes along.  This means that by August 7th of any given year, I am well settled into the idea of being older...or at least that is what I have tricked myself into believing.  Birthdays have evolved into a different type of celebration for me, and, if I am being honest, I struggle with birthdays.  Not the getting older--that has never seemed to bother me much---but the actual "day".

When I was very young I grew up in a household, much like most others of that time--a modest income, thrifty parents, no extravagant luxuries, clean, orderly and loving home.  We didn't know we didn't have much and we didn't care--or maybe we had just about the same as everyone else...regardless we just didn't care.  We were happy with our lives.  It was a far simpler time then.  But the day of my birthday was always different.  It was made to be a true celebration...all.  day.  long.  Or, at least that's how I remember it.  I remember being so excited because it was up to me what we ate, where we went, what we did and the day was all about me.  Or, at least that's how I remember it.  There was usually a party of some sort, decorations, cake, festive surroundings.  Sometimes we'd go somewhere and sometimes not.  There were always presents and usually a small surprise or two.  I never was disappointed on my birthday.  Or, at least that's how I remember it.

My memory isn't always that great though.

Once I got a bit older and was in college or away from the house, my parents always made sure there was something for my birthday.  They'd put thought into whatever it was--a gift, a card, a fun surprise--and I always knew I could count on there being at least a bit of excitement to look forward to on that day, whether I was at home or not.

When I married, birthdays continued to be fun--especially those "marker" birthdays.  My husband tried to do something fun and exciting.  Surprises weren't always his forte, but he managed to pull off one or two.  On my 25th birthday I was over nine months pregnant and hot and nervous and a bit cranky...three days later I gave birth to my first child.  On my 26th birthday I went about busily planning some type of low-key 1-year old birthday party---mainly for our adult friends and family of course.  On my 28th birthday I was busy planning a super fun 3-year old party and taking care of a 5-week old newborn, my second child.  And you can see how this pattern continued...

As the years progressed, my birthdays became more about summer activities and fun for my kids and less and less about my own surprises.  They became more about what our budget could handle and what we needed,  and less about what types of fun or unnecessary things I would have liked to have had.  I didn't always handle that very gracefully.  (yes, that could be an understatement)  In fact, some years I simply dreaded "that" day arriving.  Again, not because of the age, but because of the disappointment.  The surprises were no longer, the decorations long since gone, the presents dwindling and the attention sometimes lacking.  (my mom is excluded from this previous sentence however!)  While I realized this was a seemingly spoiled attitude to take, I used the "deserve" reasoning to be pouty.  Surely I deserved to still be the center of attention for a single day out of the year--"that" day, right??

A few years back I began to realize that I had it all wrong.  "That" day was going to come and go whether I was a part of it or not.  "That" day wasn't meant to be entirely about me---by this point in my life, I should know that I was special.  "That" day it was likely there weren't enough gifts and attention to shower upon me that would have made me truly happy.  I began to realize that "That" day WAS my gift, and I had better do something with it. "That" day wasn't a day simply to celebrate ME, "That" day was for me to celebrate LIVING.  My life.  My blessings.  My family.  My friends.  My talents, my strengths, my accomplishments and even my downfalls.  To celebrate learning and having the opportunity to live and breath and simply "be" another year.  To celebrate the times I'd enjoyed the company of friends, to celebrate the family times together, to celebrate the great fortune of being able to maybe even help someone else.  I wasn't always very good at that.  But through some hard work (mainly my husbands) I was now in a position to not worry about who was thinking of me that day, but instead, who might I think about.

'This" day is a day for me to be thankful.  Thankful that my mother STILL calls me first thing "this" day and SINGS Happy Birthday to me.  Thankful that my kids go to the effort of sending me a card, giving me a call, a hug, a kind word.  Thankful that I even HAVE kids.  Thankful that my husband worries about making "this" day special.  Thankful that I even HAVE a husband, let alone the same one all these years!  Thankful that I have a plethora of friends who are fun and funny and kind and wise and thoughtful and meaningful in my life.  Thankful that I can do whatever I want on this day.  I can make this day good or I can choose not to.

So, today at 53, I am not concerned about what THIS DAY will or will not bring my way.  Instead, I am thankful for having this day.  For the very gift of life and the blessing of spending time with my daughter and my mom, knowing that my husband wishes he could be here, knowing that family and friends have even thought about me!!  What Treasures I was missing all those years!!  It is a delight to wake up in the morning and be glad to have simply awakened to another day and all the opportunities "this" day holds.

It makes me think that tomorrow may be another birthDAY for me as well and for that I am grateful.