Facebook Quandaries

I need a Facebook diversion.  It's out of control.  I'm sensing a desperation on the part of several "friends".  I've decided it's not the forum.  I want to like some of these people, but when I read the despicable, pathetic vitriol that spews forth in some of these "posts", I have second thoughts...and that makes me sad, frustrated and angry.

I get having an opinion, I really do.  I get wanting it to be heard, I get being frustrated that "things aren't right in the world" and I get not liking what "the other side" is saying.  On facebook you REALLY get that last one though.  The anonymity of fb; being able to just write and post and "like" and "unlike", gives us a sense of mysterious power that a lot of us would have the common sense not to display in any other social setting.

I've decided this is the way to go...blog it.  Let's just see how many people give a hoot about your griping and complaining and anger and fist waving.  They have to go to your blog, click on your link, seek out your opinion.  That, or I need 1146 friends like my kids---no wonder they never comment on my posts.  They never see them!  When you have  a mere 209 friends and you consider that only a small portion of those are active, you see every stinkin' status update that comes along.  And, clearly, some folks are getting paid a tidy little sum at their day jobs to do not much of anything outside of web-surfing and reposting links.

I'm so tired of the partisan ranting.  My dad is a rantor.  He rants about ranting.  Most of the time I agree with him, but I'm even tired of that ranting.  I realize the why-can't-we-all-just-get-along approach is NOT going to work...ever.  Ever.  But people have really gotten out of control.  I know people who have recently posted comments so absurd that, if the tables were turned point by point in their "posts", they would be appalled that someone had the audacity to even think some of those things about them, let alone write them in a status update.  But, if they are the ones saying it, if they believe themselves to be the higher intellect, if they don't see a need for compromise, then...well...then they must simply be right.  Oh, and by the way, the rest of you who disagree are stupid, ignorant fools.  I'm sick of that.  It's not right.  And, it's not a good means to any solution, far less one they will like.

I don't think there is much of a solution here other than avoidance.  There are certain people that I know to avoid like the plague.  They are toxic.  They will fight and argue a point for the sake of doing so.  They are never wrong.  They are always more brilliant and, for all they care, you really can go take a flying leap off of a bridge somewhere.  Does that make them "bad people"--I don't know.  But I know it sure as heck makes them difficult to be around by anyone than other people just like them.

I am proud that I have a very diverse group of friends.  At least I think I do.  I have friends who are from different political parties, friends with different skin color, friends from different countries, friends of different ages and economic backgrounds and religions, country-club golfing friends and camping in the woods fishing friends.  Are these all uber close see-all-the-time friends?  No.  But I consider them friends and I would stop to talk to them in Walmart or Talbots, Arby's or Mahogany's (ok, not in Mahogany's because I just can't force myself to pay that much for a steak that my husband can cook just as well in our backyard...how 'bout Fusco's?)  Anyhow, my point is this: If I find out the world is coming to an end tomorrow, I sure hope that I can surround myself with people with different ideas, suggestions and beliefs.  Because if I can't--I'm at a real loss as to any additional viable, thought-provoking, helpful solutions other than my own.

Now my ideas may be better in some instances.  But maybe there are better solutions elsewhere for other instances.  I have a set of values and morals that I would never waiver from.  I believe in God and I have faith in what my church teaches.  Those would always be guidelines I would base my decisions on.  But assuming that someone outside my "circle" doesn't have something of value to offer, or is ignorant because of their stated beliefs does nothing but short change me in the long run.  There will be people with little to offer, and there will be those who are ignorant...both outside and inside my little circle.

It's when we become that person within our own circle that we've really lost touch.  I'm seeing a lot of that and it makes me terribly sad.  So, I'm giving everyone a break from my own spewing. I'll spew to myself, because that's really what that little "status update" is about...and often times it combines itself with quite a bit of pot-stirring.  But in my own blog I can post my little opinion and then, if you so choose, you can go to the trouble of clicking on it, reading it all and commenting...or not.  No harm, no foul.  And, if you don't have more than 209 friends like me, then you don't have to see, read or think about any of my angry, condescending, ignorant, insensitive, thoughtless, cruel, opinionated opinions.

You can thank me later.

#19-Final Thoughts-Part A

This is a tough one. Seriously it is. It could be touching, maddening, terribly hysterical or downright embarrassing. That's why the rest of the title was "....what those thoughts say about you as a human and do you really want to know".

I'm going with the second part first. Yes. Yes, I can honestly say, I DO really want to know. Of course I will certainly be crushed to find out that a few people (surely not many, right?) saw me as a selfish, mindless, lazy, wasted bag of flesh--lots of flesh--that only thought about her own needs and the stuff she wanted. Hopefully, there are also a few who would disagree with the former view. (ah-hem...kids, to whom I was sliced open to give you birth from somewhere deep inside my body never to have those muscles again...)

BUT--the "Final Thoughts" part can be interpreted two ways. #1-Final Thoughts others have about you upon your death, or #2-Your own Final Thoughts at the moment you die. #2 will have to be considered in Final Thoughts Part B, for another post. For now, I'm considering Part A...what on earth will they say??

I find it interesting how we all think of our "final times". Coincidentally, our priest gave a homily on this very thing just last Sunday. He talked about death and dying and how you really don't ever know when your time is up, clock stops, Father Time comes knockin' at your door, so it is imperative that we not be screwing up too terribly bad at that point. What's funny is that I tend to think of myself as the same person dead as I think of myself alive. For example: Look back at that second paragraph...I wrote, "....I will certainly be crushed to find out..." like once I croak I'm going to be looming about to see and hear what everyone's got to say about me. "Hey, Hey you guys down there...let's get on with the show". But I've never thought about when the show is over. What happens if I do know what's going on and then suddenly people just begin to disperse and move on. They go on with their lives. They aren't going to talk about me that much, so I'm going to have to know what they are thinking about me when they think it. That's going to be a little bit sad I think.

I think about that too. For some reason I talk to my mother-in-law a lot. And I talk to her out loud a lot...probably more than any other deceased person I know, or, in this case, have known. I think I do it because I wish she was still here. I wish I could call her up and tell her, "Maryann, do you know what (my) kid so-and-so did now..." I know she would know exactly what to say. She had nine kids, for pete's sake! I can see her smiling ever so slightly and nodding her head with that twinkle in her eye that quietly indicated that she was bursting out laughing on the inside at all the stupid stuff I had thought or said or did as a parent. Anyhow, I think about people I've known who have died and I almost always think of them in a positive light. So, I wonder if Maryann knows that I think about her a bunch. I wonder if she hears me talk out loud to her and I wonder if I'm going to know or hear people's words and thoughts when I'm dead?-much later on down the road, of course.

Maybe that's what happens when you die. Maybe all of the sudden people don't remember all the crummy stuff you did because you are gone and those crummy things aren't as comforting to those you left behind as the good things. Or maybe positive stuff really does over power the negative stuff. Or maybe people just feel guilty for thinking a bad thing about a person who has died. But what about the people I've know who have been crummy, or what about the people I know now that are really crummy? I can't say that I've known too many really crummy people who have died already. I know some who made some really crummy choices and did some really crummy stuff that resulted in them being really dead so maybe that's the same thing. But it's interesting to take note as to whether or not we are thought of crumm-ily by those we leave behind, if, in fact, we really were a crummy person... I think the best remedy for that is for me to try to not be a really crummy person from here on out.

So, what are people going to say about me when I die? I don't have a clue. I know what I'd like for them to say. I know what I would hope they say, but who knows what they will say. People are a little funny about this too. I know my husband is. It's like he thinks it's almost "rude" to wonder about that--as if I'm overstepping my boundaries or being presumptuous. I've tried to explain that's it's more of a curiosity than anything. It's not like I'm writing out my eulogy and making someone pinky blood swear that THIS is the EXACT thing they will read at my service. I'll be honest in saying I have written a "eulogy" of sorts for a person or two, pre-death...wayyyy pre-death. I know it sounds a bit peculiar, but it's somewhat cathartic. It's a great way of getting down on paper and not forgetting what your thoughts are about a certain person and their connection to your life. Now wouldn't that be nice to know for yourself? Now. Before you pass away? Ask a friend today. See what kind of look you get.

There's another thing---the whole death and dying terminology. Do you have any idea how many people I know who think it is in bad taste to use the word "die" when someone...well..."dies". I find it hard to use anything but "that" word. But it is treated somewhat like He Who Must Not Be Named in the Harry Potter movies. Death, dying, die--that is what we do as mortal humans. I'm not sure what people mean when they say "pass on". I understand the life-after-death concept and I have great faith in that. But what if they don't pass on? Or what if it's a while before they get to the passing on part? And, where exactly does everyone who use this phrase, think the deceased is passing to? I am reminded that we are not the arbitrators of that gig. Not to mention why those who don't even believe in God or life with God, far less an after-life with or without Him may use this phrase. So, there is "passing on" and then there is the older, more simplified version where someone has simply "passed". There is also "passed away" which is very similar to "passing on", but a bit more terse--as if there is a definite finality in never running into each other, ever again. Like the difference between "Shirley has gone on..." and "Shirley has gone away". With the second, you are quite certain you will not be seeing Shirley for a very long time, if ever. The first leaves you feeling that Shirley has simply meandered her way elsewhere and you may run into her again soon.

And then there is "lost". This is my very, very least favorite. That is, if one can have a favorite or least favorite term regarding this topic. I think there should be an enforceable rule that "lost" should always, without exception, refer to a child missing in the woods somewhere...or a football or soccer game. But, "...they 'lost' Jim yesterday..." ugh. Jim is NOT lost. In fact, Jim is anything but lost. Jim now has to be transported, and then attended to in whatever way the family has deemed necessary. Someone is having to do that with and for Jim and I bet you a Diet Dr. Pepper they too would disagree that Jim was "lost". And "lost", very much conflicts with "passing on". "Lost" has a connotation of "Jim doesn't know what to do, where to go or how to get outta here now". It is very possible that Jim has always been a little air-heady like that, but Jim is dead now and I like to believe there is a definitive systematic method for soul removal, even if it's being shuffled somehow to Gate #4 for those "not sure yet", or being shuffled somehow directly to Gate #666 for those who were clearly crappy folks all along or a gentle shuffle and nudge on to Gate #9 3/4, for those who have always been headed to the "good place". A "lost" soul, still needs a place to go I think.

But I digress a bit with terminology. The point is what do the things people have to say about you after you are gone, say about you as a person. Maya Angelou said, "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". I think that's nice. I hope that's true. And it would fall in line along with the aforementioned "crappy" person too--probably didn't make us feel so great, so we'd have less than great memories of that person. But, I think most of the people I know are kind, decent human beings who do make me feel nice, make me laugh, make me think, make me feel special and I bet that's how and what I would remember about them if they were to die. I sure hope I've made people feel nice.

I started this list of 20 brain storming notions as a result of my own Event, as my dear friend has coined it. So, I have that as a point of personal reference. Ironically, the morning of the first initial surgery, while my husband was driving me to the hospital, I told him, "you know what I want if something happens, right?" "What are you talking about?" "You know...if I croak or something" "What do you mean 'what you want'? You won't be here". "Well I think you underestimate my ability to make your life miserable even in my own afterlife" "True. What do you want". "Well the first thing I want is that I don't want anyone to see me dead. No open casket thing. No finding clothes or doing makeup or hair to make me look nice. I want to be cremated. And I want to be put in a pretty little pottery vase and placed in a nice quiet place of worship that is spa-like. I'd like it to smell like lavender. And a nice meaningful service and then a bang-up party. And make sure that everyone has a drink, a toast of sorts. And then give all my scrapbook stuff to Teresa. Don't let the kids toss everything right now. It may mean something to one of them later" Yep, I got all that in from 101st & Sheridan to 71st & Hwy. 75. It's a long drive, but he listened, so that was good.

But, the next day, while I was desperately trying to hold on to life's last breath, literally, I thought about my family in a different way. I hoped my husband would be sad--I mean, you know...he'd miss me for something more than the fact that I keep his underwear drawer fairly tidy, not to mention filled with super duper clean underwear. I don't ever want someone to be sad, but I kept thinking that I'd hoped I'd done enough. More than the underwear and the dishes and the taxi service and the crummy meals. Enough to make my family feel happy about me and think of me in that positive light that I do my mother-in-law. What's funny is since I didn't die, I got to hear some of the things they were thinking. They were personal, but the one that surprised me the most was that they thought how sad it was that I'd never see or know my grand-children. You know what that means? That means that I may have grandchildren one day and I hadn't even thought about those things during my Event. But they had. They knew how much I loved being with people and family and friends. And that made them feel sad for me and for themselves.

People have told me they were glad I didn't die. I'm glad they were glad. That made me feel nice. I was glad too. Of course, for you who haven't mentioned that to me, don't worry that I'm sitting around making a list of who was glad I didn't die and who wasn't. I'm not. I just think it's an eye-opener of sorts. To almost maybe sort of die and then not--it makes you and the people around you think about all the "what if's". And it makes you wonder about the "would've's". I want people to say nice things about me when I pack 'er in, hang it up, kick the bucket. I want to be missed. And, after listening to my priest this past week, I want my family to grieve...that is, when the time comes for real.

Until then, I want to remember the do-over I get so that when the time comes that I am hovering around all of you and watching and listening to all of your comments I won't be crushed to find out that I blew it--not once, but twice.

Eight Weeks Ago

Eight weeks ago today I was not sitting at a computer.

Eight weeks ago today I was in a dark hospital room.

Eight weeks ago today I was not listening to the rustling of my daughters homework papers.

Eight weeks ago today I could not turn off medical equipment or stop the sounds of patients moaning.

Eight weeks ago today I was not in fresh cozy clean flannel pj's.

Eight weeks ago today I was wrapped in a bloody thin hospital gown and bulky flannel blankets.

Eight weeks ago today I was not capable of being left alone to take care of myself or my child.

Eight weeks ago today I could not raise my arms to hug my kids or my husband.

Eight weeks ago today I was not able to visit with my mom for two hours.

Eight weeks ago today I was desperately trying to communicate through heavy sedation.

Eight weeks ago today I could not stand outside in the misty air and let the leaves fall down around me as I looked up into the colorful trees in my yard.

Eight weeks ago today I could not tell anyone there was a tiny cord wrapped around my right pinky finger that kept my wrist from even the smallest motion possible.

Eight weeks ago today I could not make a phone call and have a meaningful conversation with a friend.

Eight weeks ago today I was trying to convey that my feet were cold, not something about a dog.

Eight weeks ago today I could not take a deep breath and feel air rush into my lungs.

Eight weeks ago today I could not make a single noise or feel my own breathing because there was a tube down my throat.

Eight weeks ago today I could not make my bed.

Eight weeks ago today I could not see over the side of giant bed rails and tubes.

Eight weeks ago today I could not eat or drink or shower.

Eight weeks ago today I did not even think to eat or drink or shower.

Eight weeks ago today I was not there for my daughter to come put a paper in front of my face and say, "see---30 out of 30 on my vocab quiz mom"

Eight weeks ago today I did not want my daughter to see me.

Eight weeks ago today I could not plan a big family steak dinner for the upcoming weekend.

Eight weeks ago today I could not talk to my family without pen and clipboard being held by my side.

Eight weeks ago today I could not go shop for our new Christmas tree.

Eight weeks ago today I did not know when I would be able to walk outside.

Eight weeks ago today I didn't know I'd be doing simple things today that would make me think about

eight weeks ago today.

It's Still Here-Part 2; #20 THE LIGHT

OK--I really wanted to start with #7-Modern Medicine, but it looks like we've just gotta get #20-"The Light" topic out of the way for everyone...right?

Before I get into this whole "light" issue, let me tell you straight up--I believe in God. I don't know about the whole "light" thing, but it wouldn't surprise me. I also believe in aliens cause I'm not sure God was ok, with we humans being IT and I know He's got a sense of humor and a crazy sense of irony. So I can't help but think that maybe we just might not be the only beings around this universe, or any other.

Having stated that, I also have a disclaimer---I cannot affirm nor deny the validity of any of what I may express regarding my recent near death/did die/second life experience (I have yet to determine what to call this episode, but I know it was more than a "spell") What I mean by this is, I can only express what happened from my perspective. I am hoping to eventually track down someone who was more consciously there, but I'm not sure that will ever happen. So, what I may view as a psychological or emotional experience, may have been the result of me getting stuck real fast with a big giant shot of something. What I may express as a physical trauma, in reality, may have been a patient (me) being "uncooperative"...yes, that phrase was used and yes, I take a little issue with that one! So my disclaimer is simply that this is my perspective as accurately as I can tell it and that's all.

Now...The Light--I'm tired of using quotation marks so I'm going to caps instead. The Light is a funny topic to me. I am stunned at the number of people, particularly strangers, that wait with baited breath for me to mention The Light. I don't mention it. And now I don't mention it for sheer folly for myself to see how the person inquiring about the experience gets around to asking or mentioning it themselves! A little human interaction study for my own personal entertainment. Not in any way intended to be mean or unkind, simply an observation of how we humans work.

Here are some of the approaches I've fielded after giving a brief version of "what happened to me":

• So you died? Sort of I guess. Wellllll??? Well what? Well, did youuuuu.... Yes? Did you see anything? Like what? You know. Like a light or something???

• OH MY GOSH! DID YOU SEE THE LIGHT?

• Wow, that's incredible. There wasn't any light was there?

• Anything else? Umm, no. So you were dead? Well, I guess for a minute or two I was. And there was nothing else? Well, I was kind of out of it. I don't know what else was going on at the time. No, I mean for you?

So, now that you've been so patiently waiting, courteously refraining from asking (which I really don't mind anyhow!) or just voyeuristically curious (that would be me)--here's the deal...

I saw no Light. Now, before you roll on the floor in frustration, drop your mouth open in fear that I'm doomed to hell, or sit dumb-founded staring at the screen thinking, "I just knew SHE would see the light" (by the way, thank you, if the latter is what you were thinking) I want you to remember a few things:

1. Remember I said I do believe in God, I'm not sure what the whole Light deal is with Him and I do believe He has a good sense of humor...and timing. And, no, I'm really not kidding about all this.

2. I really, REALLY didn't WANT to see a light. As a matter of fact, I was doing my very, very best to just hang on and not lose conscientiousness. And, having never been in this type of predicament before, all I could remember to help me was that information from those stupid Lamaze classes back when I thought I would have "natural child birth", and "finding a focal point". So, while in the ambulance, that's what I tried to do...until I realized I was focusing on one of those ugly, dim halogen can lights. I thought to myself, "what the heck am I doing? I don't want to focus on a Light!", so I quickly switched up and began to focus on the window...hence my ability to recognize the incredibly long route we were taking.

3. I know that God is perfection. I really believe that. But it may not be perfection in the sense that we know perfection and I'm not certain that everything around Him is--there are some kinks that He's constantly having to work out. And I think those kinks are both here on earth and up there with Him. He, of course can run the show all on His own, but I think He tends to enlist the help of others (can you say, "Father, Son & the Holy Spirit"?); perhaps many others. You know He's got a lot of Big Priorities to take care of Himself. And I don't pretend to know how the whole death and dying gig goes down up there. I don't know why it wouldn't be similar to Jimmy Stewarts It's a Wonderful Life--that seems perfectly logical to me.

But for the sake of argument, in my case, I really think this whole Light thing, falls under one of two (possibly three) scenarios, or, perhaps a combination of both--remember, I'm talking about my case here (you'll have your own case one day):

• Clerical Error - someone very similar to me was being "called home", their ship was sailing, they'd run the course, their gig was up--for whatever reason they were going to die (I don't mind using the "d" word - more on that in Chapter 1 later). The runners were given the papers, nabbed me for that person and then, when it was realized that Stephanie Biddick was NOT said person who's time was up, a flurry of activity went into play to make things right. Paperwork had to be switched out, assistants had to check and re-check the records, He had to give His final stamp of approval all while The Light was headed my way. Of course, He's pretty quick if He wants to be, but this was just one of those last minute "oops-I-hope-He-doesn't-find-out-we-screwed-up deals". So The Light may not have been cued, someone may have realized the mistake and shut The Light down to avoid further confusion or they may have just hustled really well avoiding any Light issues in the first place. Regardless, it seems, at least on my end, that it was a close one for Stephanie.

• Desire- I think you have to want to see The Light. Ladies and gentlemen, let's be very clear here. I didn't even want to go to doctors offices this summer, far less find myself bleeding out and suffocating in an ambulance full of high-fiving on-the-job trainees, while I was not too far from seeing The Light. Until September 13th, I've always thought of myself as a bit of a weenie...well, a BIG bit of a weenie. I am certain you all thought I had a shell of titanium. I didn't, but I sure do now. I fought and fought and fought and did NOT want to go where I was certain my body was taking me. So had there been a Light, I think I would have started some fast talking with God about all the extra special plans I was readying myself to implement---that is, if He and I could just make a quick deal. But, as we all know...God doesn't make "deals". God teaches. Could it be that God may have been striking up our "deal" first, saying something along the lines of this:
  "Hey you! Yeah YOU....Stephanie Kay Rourke Biddick. Yeah, I'm trying to get your attention. You know how you are talking about all those people who are nagging at you to just take it easy and do what you are supposed to do...and you keep saying you will, you will? Well, I'm kind of thinking that, based on what I know about you, you very well may not. So, I've been thinking you may need a little dose of reality as to who's really in control around here. Cause, it ain't you. And for that matter it's not those "naggers" either. It's me. I'm in control. I know you are a pretty good gal, you're not too bad a friend, you could use some work in the wife department and you're an ok mom when you're not obsessing, but I think you can do better. I think you can do a lot better. I don't really know if you will, but you've got some potential. I don't expect you to be perfect, but I do expect you to remember why you are here. I think I've got just the thing for you to chew on a bit, contemplate and consider. You can share it if you like, or you don't have to. Your choice. I don't mean for you to be scared. I know you are. But I'm with you through this one. I want you to remember how much I love you and and I want you to remember how much loving each other and all that nagging really means. I'll check in on you later."

I really don't know if that was His point or what He was saying to me, but I wouldn't be too surprised if it was.

• Scenario Three - frankly, I don't like thinking about scenario three. It's not so much about there not being The Light as it is that one doesn't "get" to see it ... well, I'm just not going to go there.

So, no--I saw no Light--it's sort of hard to say that because I tend to feel like I'm letting everyone down. I see the disappointment in their eyes, or I see the reverse--"I KNEW there wasn't a Light" or they just want to shake their heads, as in "dang...I had so hoped". But keep in mind, as much as I don't want to let anyone down I really am glad I didn't see a light, The Light, or Any Light at all! I think it's important that everyone take into consideration their own beliefs and maybe realize that we don't have it down exactly like we thought we did. I know I don't. I was really scared enough. I was trying so hard to give myself another chance. For those of you who haven't heard all the gorey details, I knew...KNEW...without one single doubt, not one single flitter of thought, that I was dying. I did. And yes, it was terrifying. I was terrified. I thought about my kids, I thought about Steve, I thought about all my family and my friends and I begged God, and I prayed and I got scared when I couldn't remember my prayers or didn't know what to say or think. But I always went back to the thought of "I just want to be here now. I want to be right here, with these people and have their love and be able to love all of them right now. It can't be now that I leave. It simply can't be"--and all this happened in minutes. Just small minutes of time in my life.

Since I don't have the whole Light thing to fall back on, I'm going with a mixture of the first two scenarios. And if the third scenario did come into play...well, I'm hoping that I lucked out with a re-do now.

Even though it still bugs me when the house is messy and the dishes are piled up and no one has taken the trash out, Thank you God for showing me the REAL Light and most importantly thank you for teaching me to remember to see that REAL light each and every moment! (a wink from me...as I sponge off the counter, and a nod from Him as He tends to working out a few other kinks)

Changes & Realizations

To date since September 13th--

1. Short term memory - shot

2. Coffee makes me gag now

3. Acute awareness of what neck muscles really DO do in one's day to day life

4. Constant sleeping and reclining can make you really tired

5. Sore vocal chords--who knew?

6. Leftovers are overrated after all

7. Visitors are the best thing since sliced bread

8. One small chocolate shake from Braums can make you cry tears of joy

9. Facebook is boring

10. My neck is smaller

11. I look amazingly and unexpectedly great

12. Soreness from cpr is worse than soreness of two surgeries and intubation

13. I knew I had great friends and family. I just didn't realize how many I had.

14. I like flowers.

15. I have a lot of time on my hands

16. I think I want a job

17. Pain can be managed with Extra Strength Tylenot just fine

18. My husband really REALLY loves me

19. Sometimes texting IS better than talking

20. Lung capacity is taken for granted. Did you know you can "exercise" them? (and I don't mean that warrior running stuff Pat O'dea!! Good work, by the way!)

and

21. Take a minute to realize how gorgeous you family is, and how gorgeous it is outside. Do it now.

It's Still Here!!

...my somewhat odd sense of humor that is. I've already posted regarding my recent "event" (thanks brother Matt!), which was well beyond a "spell" or an "episode". "Event" is an appropriate word--for me, September 13th, 2011 was an "event". The words "life-altering" and "life-changing" can also be plugged right in there before "event". I am having a hard time determining the difference, at least for myself, right now. One thing I know is that, in addition to my very spiritual feelings regarding things like this, I continue to have somewhat of an irreverent, practical take on even this "event".

Before my attentions are diverted, I think a brain-storming session for future posts (dare I say..."chapters"??!) is in order, and in no particular order as well:

1. The "D" word - use it or avoid it?

2. "Sweetie" - A Word We Rarely Used in the Past and Why We Feel the Need to End Each Conversation With It Now.

3. Ambulance Routes - Could We Use a Map or GPS PLEASE? As a last resort--Feeling Comfortable Asking the Transportee.

4. Hospital Gowns - A New Cottage Industry in the Making

5. Exercised Calves! - What You Get When You Leave the Hospital (besides the cold and stack of bills). Is there an explanation for leaving with a great calf muscle when you'd rather have had the great abs?

6. Intubation Communication - Making Your Communication Count. Know that the word "sock" CAN, and most likely WILL be confused to mean "dog" instead.

7. Modern Medicine? - You scan my body, get a full assessment of my insides complete with HD movie quality motion, but you can't test my "blood gases" without taking a needle and jamming it into the bowels of my arteries??

8. Emergency Personnel Lingo--Why "try and stay calm" doesn't work for certain patients. How to get your Emergency worker to pay attention.

9. Doctor Lingo - Code Words. Is it bad when a doctor says he's REALLY glad to be meeting you now since he didn't think he'd "get" to.

10. Firemen - New Interpersonal Skills for Loading Emergency Patients.

11. Nurse "Techs" - Befriending Even the Crabbiest of Techs. Your body fluids=Their job. Do you REALLY wonder why they are grouchy when they enter your room?

12. Coping Skills - Different Modesty, Vanity and Pain levels of Patients and How those Differences Effect the Patients Demeanor.

13. Visitors - Love 'em or Leave 'em?

14. Food Already? You Must Be Kidding - The Vital Importance of Healthy Bowels.

15. Poop Talk - Being able to let go of those uncomfortable feelings regarding this topic, and allowing yourself to understand and communicate freely regarding it's DAILY importance.

16. Prayers Said in Desperate Times - Does God always listen? Does He appreciate the importance of things others may not.

17. The Not-so-Improved Weight Loss Plan - Not for the faint of heart

18. The Uncontrollable Crying Spell and How to Effectively Manage one in a Social Setting

19. Final Thoughts - what those thoughts say about you as a human and do you really want to know?

and my personal favorite...

20. "The Light" - Raise Your Hand If You Want to Know!! Did you see it? What did it look like? How did you feel? How to approach your questioning responsibly and how to handle disappointing the questioner.

I'm just certain there are more, but for now I think I can write a good deal on each one of these for the next 20 days. We'll see. Any other suggestions?! I'm open for new ideas! Let's take a vote for which ones I should tackle first.

Now for a nap.

Just the Facts Ma'am

Ok, because I clearly STILL don't get FB and some of you can't read Sam's posts, I will fill you in with the unedited short version--as I am a touch worn out right now! Ok, I've come back to this sentence--this isn't such an unedited short version...but no less factual.

After an incident this past spring I decided to start finding out (and doing something about) my horrific "time of the month" issues and my out-of-the-ordinary exceptional tiredness. This resulted in spending nearly all of my summer at or visiting doctor's offices, labs, and various "specialists"...to simply find out that...I am healthy as a horse. Seriously. Symptoms continued and trials of different treatments failed, and although my thyroid function tested fine, I was continually led back to doctors mentioning "thyroid issues". The only issue finally determined was that my thyroid was abnormally large (twice the size of a "normal" one) and had changed in size and shape over months/years. It was left to me to decide further treatment between two or three equally so-so options.

Monday, Sept. 12th I went in for a standard thyroidectomy (removal of my thyroid). I was not nervous and there were no issues whatsoever. I had the surgery done at Tulsa Spine and Specialty and had an exceptionally outstanding staff, surgical team and an angelic recovery nurse! I spent one night for observation, did well and was home by 10:30 or 11:00 am Tuesday, Sept. 13th. I have witnesses who will vouch for my satisfactory behavior and that not only was I a stellar patient while there, but also minded all rules upon my return home.

I immediately took a well-deserved and terribly needed shower, freshened up in some clean clothes and began to construct my "nest" for a week-long rest. A giant pot of homemade chicken noodle soup had been delivered and I was ready to settle down with a bowl right after an equally badly needed bathroom break (sorry, but it's crucial to "the facts"!). The bathroom break was every post-surgery patients dream come true...initially. When finished, I couldn't quite figure out why my shirt felt all wet.

It was about 12:30 pm. Things went downhill from there. My shirt was covered in blood and I was afraid I had "split" something open. When I made it to the sink I realized I had. When my doctor had done the initial surgery a very small "drainhole" of sorts was left outside of my glued incision and that was allowing the drainage of an incredible amount of blood. (sorry--this just grosses me out, but you asked) I could tell I wasn't going to be able to last long, I called Steve who was outside and I called Marie who was cleaning. They both showed up instantly and there were a few moments of trying to decide what to do--call the doctor's office, drive me himself, call 911---after shaking some of the shock off, I grabbed my phone, dialed 911, handed to Marie who was "applying compression" and told her to tell Steve to take it from there.

Emergency services arrived within 6 or 7 minutes I think. My neck was swelling and my throat was being constricted by the growing hematoma in my lower neck. Three firemen and three EMSA ladies (and, I use that term loosely) eventually got me into the ambulance. After many minutes in the ambulance with an issue involving an IV, and me approaching hysteria, they were convinced to leave without a successful IV attempt. The ride to the emergency room was complete with sound and lights. I tried to concentrate on our route, which was circuitous at best. I was continuing to be told to "stay calm", but was also trying to convey the fact that I could tell I would not be able to breath on my own for much longer. My neck/throat was continuing to enlarge, the pain was unimaginable and the bleeding was now internally contained making the situation worse.

At this point I can't be very objective--I was hysterical and knew that I wasn't doing well. They got me out of the ambulance and rolled me in to the building and I think I was screaming something...I don't know exactly what, but I was thinking, "this really is it, I'm terrified and I sure wish someone would do something quick because I can't hold on here much longer". I remember seeing many strangers faces (Steve had followed in his truck) looking at me either in horror or disgust or disbelief. I then remember hurling myself forward in somewhat of a sitting position knowing that was my last moment and being utterly terrified and then falling back to my right and quite honestly my last thought then was..."well, maybe I'm being a bit too dramatic". That was it.

Next thing I knew I woke up in a very dark room (which I later found out wasn't dark at all) with several familiar people's frightened faces looking at me. To my recollection, Steve, my mom, Cal, Sheila, Ryan, Chelsea and Jenene were there. Everyone was "lit up" where I could see them, but everything else was dark and everyone looked very scared. At this point the reality was that CPR had been performed on me in addition to me being intubated (don't know what order that happened) and an emergency surgery performed about 2:00 or 2:30 to clear out the huge hematoma that had formed around my trachea and to cauterize the blood vessel branch that was bleeding. All I knew is that I hurt really bad, still felt like I was suffocating and then realized I had a tube down my throat and could in no way make any sound at all. Enter all the great comments here, but know that I was equally terrified...again. I think I cried a lot and had a multitude of questions and thoughts I wanted to communicate about pain and about my family. It was about 3:00-3:30 pm. Tuesday afternoon--the very same afternoon I was looking forward to sitting down with that nice bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup.

Tuesday night and Wednesday were spent in ICU. It was not a pleasant place to be but I was cognizant enough to realize that I was fortunate to be there. That, however, didn't stop the tube down my throat from being extremely uncomfortable--especially when they wanted to "test" it to see if I was moving any air on my own. Here is where I give a huge hats off to those far braver and stronger than me who live in this state for weeks in full conscientiousness. I do not know how one does that. I was extubated about 9:30 that morning and was able to finally make sense to those recipients of my hand signals and clipboard scratchings. (I had been trying to communicate "socks", not "dogs") I had many visitors and there was laughter and tears and I was happy to have the distraction. Travis and Ryan were there with Steve and I, and Sam and Mike were on their way. I was blessed to have wonderful neighbors who took care of Anne and her school needs till I was in less scary shape to be seen.

Thursday I went to a regular floor. Writing this now the time must have gone much faster than what it seemed like there. But the usual post-surgery stuff happened here, an independence was slowly handed back to me...along with some pretty crappy pain meds. Again--my room was filled with family, friends and laughter and yes--it was exhausting...and I wouldn't have had it any other way. It kept me "un" focused on my pain and my fear. I will never forget Thursday night. For just a bit of time I was in this hospital room with my husband, my oldest son, my oldest daughter and her husband, my youngest son and his fiance, my youngest daughter and our priest. We had a time of family prayer with Father Joe and he blessed and anointed me. We had laughter and I held back many, many tears of joy.

Friday my "miracle" doctor, Dr. Siemens waltzed in and exclaimed, "let's get outta here this morning"! I held him at bay for a bit due to some nervousness I had going home quite so soon. But by 2:30 on Friday I was back home.

My mother, Judy and step-dad, Cal, my father Norman and step-mom, Connie, my sister Sheila and a dear family friend, Jenene Howland, (who calmed us all through every single moment) and my army of friends were by my side always--in spirit and in person. They felt my pain, and some are still as scared as me. But, for the most part, they kept me laughing through it all and kept me focused on what was important. With each person I saw and each person I've spoken to I thank God and all the amazing health care professionals for giving me additional time and moments here. As drama queenie as this all sounds, it is truly heartfelt. I wasn't ready to "go" when I knew I was going...in fact, I was a little p.o'd about the whole thing before I had to finally give in. So to each of you, regardless of the amount of time we see or spend with each other, please know that our paths have crossed for a reason and I will try my best to faithfully appreciate whatever our connection, each and every day.

Thank you for your prayers, your thoughts, your jokes, your tears--and mostly your presence.

Stephanie

THE PERFECT BIG SURPRISE

In TWO Days, I hope to have a scrapbook done for my daughters 13th birthday. The story that is going in the book is below. Thank you to everyone--all our family, my sister, my parents, all our friends (new and old) who have encouraged me to appreciate the best Big Surprise I will ever, ever have. And most especially to Steve who, I believe, was truly sent from God to show me what true love is and to teach me what is really important in this journey--I love you.

Once upon a time in a land not so far away, there lived a wonderful family of five. There was a Mommy, a Daddy, a Big Brother, a Sister and a Little Brother. They all lived very happily together and each had their own “specialness”. Little Brother was a funny little boy. He was always putting on a show and he loved to move a lot. Sister was a very sweet, smart young lady. She liked things “just so” and she was a great helper to everyone. Big Brother was a caring and dependable young man. He took things very seriously, but liked to play with his sister and brother and friends too. Daddy was a very hard worker and always had time to wrestle with the brothers, help with homework and play pretend with the sister. Mommy was busy. Mommy took care of her three little kids all the time. Sometimes she took care of other kids too. She cleaned and cooked and made sure everyone brushed their teeth.

Big Brother, Sister and Little Brother had many friends and Mommy and Daddy were friends with those friend’s parents too. Mommy and Daddy liked having friends and family nearby. In the summer time many of these friends would get together at a swimming pool and let the kids play together all day long. It was lots of fun and they named their group of friends The Village. When each summer ended The Village friends would go their own separate ways and see each other now and then until the next summer rolled around.

One year there was a special event that brought all The Village people and many other friends and all sorts of family together at a different time.

One fall Mommy started to feel a little different. After several weeks of feeling different Mommy decided to go see Doctor. Doctor had some very special news for Mommy—there was going to be a Big Surprise. That night when Daddy returned home with Sister, Mommy told Daddy the very special news about the Big Surprise. Daddy was very surprised too. Mommy kept a secret---the secret was that Mommy was very, very worried about the Big Surprise. Mommy was worried that she wouldn’t be able to do a good job taking care of the Big Surprise. Mommy worried that she was too old and too tired to have such a Big Surprise. And, Mommy was a little scared that her old tired body might not be healthy and young enough to have the Big Surprise.

Right away Daddy knew that Mommy was worried and he knew just what to do to make Mommy feel better. He told her the Big Surprise was a wonderful surprise. He reassured her that she would do a great job and he, of course, would always help her. He did his very best to show Mommy that he wasn’t worried at all…even though Mommy knew he was a little bit.

Time passed and Mommy and Daddy kept the Big Surprise a secret for quite some time. One cloudy cool day in the winter, Mommy and Daddy told the kids that they were going on a picnic in the park. The kids were excited and helped gather everything for their fun day. When they got to the park the wonderful family of five played Frisbee, played on the swings and played ball. Then they gathered together, spread the blanket on the ground and began to eat their lunches. It began to get very cold and Mommy and Daddy knew that it was time to share their special news about the Big Surprise.

Mommy and Daddy asked the kids what they would think if they had another brother or sister. Baby Brother thought it would be great so that he wouldn’t be the baby anymore. Big Brother thought it would be nice too since he liked having a younger sister and brother. Sister thought it was just fine the way the wonderful family of five was now. When Mommy asked her if she’d be ok with another brother or sister, Sister thought and said she probably would, but she’d be GREAT if she had a little sister. So Mommy and Daddy told their three kids about the Big Surprise---that this wonderful family of five would soon be a wonderful family of six! Big Brother didn’t believe Mommy and Daddy at first and had lots and lots of questions. Little Brother was very, very excited and jumped around a lot. Sister was excited too and began planning right away for a new baby sister. And everyone wanted to know where the Big Surprise was going to sleep.

After the new year had come and gone, it was time to tell more people about the Big Surprise. Most of the time, they let Big Brother, Sister or Little Brother do the telling…it was nicer that way. Everyone was very, very surprised. Some family and friends were more surprised than others and some had very surprising reactions. But eventually everyone got used to the idea of the Big Surprise joining the wonderful family of five and soon everyone began to be very, very excited about the Big Surprise.

One day Mommy had a special appointment. She and Daddy were going to find out if the Big Surprise was going to be a boy or a girl surprise. Mommy decided that it would be a good idea for Sister to go also. Sister would need some extra time to think about things if the new Big Surprise was going to be a Boy Surprise and Mommy wanted to make sure that Sister had plenty of time before the Big Surprise came. So, they all three went to Doctor’s office, A very nice nurse took them to a dark room where she took pictures of the Big Surprise in Mommy’s tummy. The pictures were hard for Sister, Mommy and Daddy to make out, but then the nice nurse pointed out the parts of the Big Surprise and Mommy, Daddy and Sister were very, very quiet while watching the Big Surprise move all about. Mommy reminded the nice nurse that they would like to know if it was a Boy Surprise or a Girl Surprise and the nurse exclaimed, “oh! It’s definitely a GIRL Surprise!” Sister cried happy, happy tears and Mommy did too. Daddy was happy that all the girls were happy.

Soon all the friends and all the family and all The Village knew of the new GIRL Surprise that was coming. There were fun parties and special parties called showers and great celebrations. Mommy and Daddy were getting excited too. Secretly, Mommy still worried a bit, and secretly Daddy did too. But everyone pitched in to help make things as easy for Mommy and Daddy as they could. Big Brother and Little Brother helped move their rooms together. Sister helped get GIRL Surprise’s baby room set up and decorated. People came with diapers and toys for the new GIRL Surprise. Grandparents and Aunts helped take care of Big Brother, Little Brother and Sister. And soon it was summer time again and the time came for the GIRL Surprise to come.

Mommy had done the very best job she could of being healthy and ready for the new GIRL Surprise. Daddy was calm and ready too. Early one morning they left for the hospital. When they got there, Mommy was so happy to see some of The Village friends and her Very Special Friend from Days Done By. Since Mommy was still a little scared, it was good for Mommy to have people there to help take her mind off that part. Daddy was always nervous at that part too! But soon it was time for Doctor to help Mommy get the GIRL Surprise. Daddy put his handsome gown, hat and slippers on and off they went. Mommy had asked for her favorite Special Nurse Friend to be in the room when the GIRL Surprise came. When Mommy was rolled in the room, there was Nurse Friend and that made Mommy very happy. Nurse Friend helped Daddy not be so nervous too!

Soon Doctor came in and asked if everyone was ready. Mommy sure hoped they all were! Mommy liked to try and be funny during these scary times. Daddy didn’t like being funny so much at scary times. But Doctor told Mommy and Daddy everything was going to be ok and Doctor began his work. It wasn’t very long before GIRL Surprise made her big beautiful entrance into the room! She was perfect in every way and Mommy, Daddy and Nurse Friend cried happy tears of joy! Mommy got to hold GIRL Surprise for just a bit but Doctor needed to finish his work. So Daddy was the lucky one who got to leave the room and carry the new baby GIRL Surprise down the hall to meet her family, friends, Big Brother, Little Brother and one very excited Sister.

When Mommy, Daddy and all three kids found out that they were going to welcome a new GIRL Surprise into their family, they all put their heads together and they had come up with a name for the new GIRL Surprise. Her name was Anne Marie.

Mommy stayed at the hospital with the Big Surprise, Anne Marie and just held her a whole lot. After several days Daddy came to take Anne Marie and Mommy home. Mommy was a little tired for a while when she got home, but she never got tired of waking up in the middle of the night to take care of Anne Marie. She would pick her up and hold her and rock her and Anne Marie loved falling asleep on top of Mommy. Mommy was not worried anymore. The wonderful family of five was now a wonderful family of six and they all loved Anne Marie more than they could have ever imagined. Everyone made sure that Anne Marie was always cared for.

Something extra special happened that summer that the Big Surprise, Anne Marie came--all the friends and all the family and all The Village and Mommy, Daddy, Big Brother, Sister and Little Brother all felt a little closer and a little more love and a little more joy because of The Big Surprise. They all wanted to take care of Anne Marie and she brought joy to everyone who was around her. She was happy and content and fearless. She spent her first few weeks being with her family and meeting The Village friends and learning to love water and sun and people. She went to parties. She slept in her swing. She was the best Big Surprise that anyone could have ever wished for.

But that’s not the end of the story…something very, very strange happened. One day Mommy woke up and found a 13 year old in Anne Marie’s bed. Mommy looked around and wondered, “what on earth happened to that wonderful Big Surprise Anne Marie?” And then Mommy heard someone who sounded a bit like the Big Surprise Anne Marie say, “Mom, I’m here…I’m just a little older now” And Mommy turned around to see a beautiful, strong, intelligent, loving, friendly, gentle young lady. At that moment, Mommy knew that young lady was the most magnificent and amazing Big Surprise that any wonderful family of six would ever be blessed with. So Mommy hugged the Young Lady Anne Marie and said “I Love You”. Mommy hoped the Young Lady Anne Marie would say I Love You back…

And she did.

The Beginning.

THINGS I'VE (HAD) DONE IN THE LAST 2-3 WEEKS

Decided on a "push" to get a few projects somewhat finalized where there weren't so many "loose ends" around here. Here's the off-the-top-of-my-head list:

Outside
2. Sod laid in back yard thanks to Gary and Tracie Allen of Eden Landscaping. Originally just planned on partial sod in back covering one of the SEVEN beds in the backyard.
3. Revision-had two additional beds yanked out, some items salvaged for transplanting elsewhere, sodded
4. Had large bed on west side cleaned out, weeded, hoed and mulched for later planting
5. Three patio beds all weeded, hoed, mulched, transplanted items and planted annuals for color thanks to Ryan Biddick (and myself!)
6. Planted flowers in pots for back and front yard.
7. All invasive monkey grass dug up and removed
8. Removed all native stone from all beds surrounding house
9. Driveway bed revamped with native stone and giant rocks from back beds, weeded, hoed, mulched ready for additional planting
10. Front of house beds revamped adding stacked stone, removing all monkey grass, weeded, hoed, mulched ready for additional planting.
11. 6+ azaleas transplanted to front area for proper growth
12. All outdoor lighting cleaned
13. Patios, trim and beams cleaned
14. Hoses attached and installed in carts-front and back
15. Ping Pong table picked up and in garage ready for action!

INSIDE
1. Ordered about a dozen wrought iron doorknobs to replace the gold contractors knobs that had NOT been replaced previously when they PARTIALLY replaced SOME of the gold contractors knobs with the pricey wrought iron ones! Took about 1 1/2 hours to order at Garbe's with Dave. Still got home short two--my fault!
17. Dining room light from old house reinstalled in kitchen area
18. New fan purchased and installed for hearth room-old ugly fan removed and disposed of!
19. New dining room fixture purchased and installed for dining room (LOVE!) - old fisture moved to eating area.
20. House address sign installed on mailbox (finally!)
21. Cabinet door underneath kitchen sink repair to shut without hair tie
22. Two drawer slides repaired so that drawer would actually open and close
23. Two massive holes patched, repaired and painted
24. Small gameroom tv mounted on master bedroom wall
25. New TV ordered, delivered and installed in gameroom
26. Most of new doorknobs installed
27. Daughters bathroom painted and fixtures re-installed (needs touch up!)
28. New bedding for daughters room added for a successful completion of a tough 6th grade year.
29. Pillow covers for sofa, bedroom bench and bedroom chair made

LEFT TO DO

1. Some additional flowers/plants planted
2. Front porch concrete stained
3. Buy 2 barstools
4. Windows cleaned
5. Scrapbook room picked up and organized properly
6. Remaining boxes in gameroom emptied, items gone through and put away from move
7. Probably a couple more little things!

Whew! Think I can get it wrapped up TODAY?!! No WONDER I'm tired!!

NERVES

Nerves: firmness or courage under trying circumstances: an assignment requiring nerve; strength, vigor, or energy: a test of nerve and stamina; nerves, nervousness: an attack of nerves.

Basically nerves can be tested when one is "brave" and again when one is "chicken". One would think a child would be the latter and an adult the former; not so much the case in my house today. Can I just say--I have the most ridiculously all-around great kids ever. Yes, they drive me in sane at times, try my patience, frustrate the heck out of me...but all in all they are really quite extraordinary. Today, one in particular showed remarkable composure and confidence. Who knew at 12 you could act like THAT?!

Today, Tuesday, January 4, 2011 my 12 year old daughter did one of the things that I have always felt was one of the single most difficult acts for a child to make--the act of trust. Not for all children mind you, and certainly not for younger children. They will trust you if you tell them the bug they just caught is very yummy. But for a 12 1/2 year old girl, who's had three older siblings, been immersed in adult conversation and lifestyle and has a pretty sharp brain, sometimes "trust" is a difficult thing.

A bit of history before I continue: My oldest child started formal public school in 1991. Kindergarten. We were in a terrible school district and decided it was imperative that we move before our children grew much older. Mid-school year in November of 1992 we did just that. We took our oldest son out of the environment he was familiar with and plopped him in a setting that we promised him would be far more advantageous for his life-long goals. He was 7 years old. A wise 7, but nonetheless still only 7. Christmas break came around in our new neighborhood. By then he had a 3-year old sister and a new baby brother, both whom he adored. We had a wonderful Christmas break in our new home and enjoyed each other's company to the fullest. Break was over, time for school to start up again.

The night before school was set to begin, while pressing that perfect crease in my 7-year old son's blue and white striped train engineer OshKosh overalls, he came into the room and announced that he didn't want to return to THAT school the next day. What? This was my child who LOVED school. This was the boy that LOVED learning. This could not be happening. There must be something else...

"What do you mean you don't want to go back to school?"

"I don't want to go to that school tomorrow"

"Why?"

"I don't like it at all. It's terrible"

"What makes it terrible?"

"Everything. The kids and the teacher and everything"

"Well, you are going to have to be a bit more specific for me to understand"

"The kids stand on the desks in the back and talk and are distracting. The teacher yells and gets upset. I can't concentrate to do my work and it's not fun and I don't like all the yelling"

(Thinking to myself that he had some very well-warranted points here, I was at a loss as to which "parent" card out of my hand should be played next...)

"Well, you know you can't just not go to school. They throw you in jail for that"

"They do?"

(Trust in my position on education was pivotal at this point as I could hear the teetering in his question--he could be tipped on either side of the proverbial "education is imperative" fence)

"Well, yeah. Or maybe they just throw me in jail for not sending you to school. But someone goes to jail"

At this point "nerve" came in to this picture. My 7 year old wanted to have nerve, he wanted to be brave. What he really wanted was to enjoy school again. He was (and continues to be!) a really bright kid. And, deep down he knew not to buy this "jail card" thing from mom...not one bit. I could see the doubt in his belief that there would soon be any of our grim faces printed on "WANTED" posters around town. But I could also see his defeat and his last bit of "please don't let me go down like this" braveness start to expel out of him as his eyes welled up with tears.

"Now wait a minute here"

"what?"

"I think we can work this out"

"how?"

"Well, it sounds like I need to go in and talk to the teacher or the principal if there is so much disruption in your classroom that you can't think in first grade"

"I don't want to get in trouble"

"You will not get in trouble"

"How do you know?"

"I know because if you get in trouble for doing what's right, someone else is going to get in trouble for doing what's wrong"

"by who?"

"By me"

"Really?"

"Really."

NOW we had re-established the Trust, some Nerve...some Real Nerve. Now even HE knew he could count on action. He hadn't lived with me for 7 long years for nothing.

So I did what I said I would do. And things worked out. And 12 years later he graduated from that same school system as an Honor Student with great promise ahead of him.

In the meantime, he'd acquired yet another baby sister. For some perspective: On the morning we left to take that then 19-yr old son to his first year of out-of-state college, we first made a quick stop to drop off his "new" baby sister for her first day of kindergarten. That sister grew up with three older siblings all with the same last name, all from the same house and neighborhood, and all with great diligence, attitude and pride that helped them make their way and forge a path through this particular public school system. So, like her siblings before her, in the Summer of 2004, she was set on a course to do the same...at the same place and with all the people she'd grown up knowing and who knew her and her family as well. She would become a Union Redskin.

Things change though. People change. Circumstances change. School systems change. Priorities change. My 12 year old daughter got caught in the middle of many of those changes.

Fortunately my 12 year old daughter is also the one child of our four who is most "flexible". She has always been on the flexi-plan at our house, being dragged from one event to another. Counting on one thing to happen and then changing courses for a new and different plan. She is hailed as the easy going child in the family. Nerves, braveness and trust being her unknowingly strong traits that keep her nature so easy...most of the time.

However, when a young girl is confident because she's been told over and over by all her family, all her friends, all the people who know her and her family (and even many who don't) how great and smart and wonderful she is, she never really gets to test that confidence. Today her confidence was tested and perhaps in a way that was quite startling not only to her, but to me as well.

Over the last couple years we'd decided that the school system all of our kids had attended all these years was no longer meeting our standards. Our 12 year old, being the bonus baby in the family, would soon be hitting some important educational years and this was not where she would benefit most. Slowly, plans were put into place to make a change. She was made aware of the long-term plan and was aware that, like always, even that could change. And it did--quite suddenly. In the middle of her 6th grade year, an opportunity was presented to us and a quick decision had to be made. We decided to move. Move to another neighborhood and move to another school. She would no longer be a Union Redskin.

I did my best to prepare her for the changes she would soon face. We went and visited the new school. We talked with people who went there. We drove around the neighborhood. We researched available opportunities the new school system provided. We purchased new Bixby Spartan wear. It all seemed exciting and she knew it would be difficult to leave her friends, but she seemed open to new experiences as well. She would be facing some of the same challenges her older brother had. She would have to adjust to new routines, new friends, new teachers and new ways of doing things. She would be fine.

Thinking about change, considering change, but then having it slap you right smack in the face in a matter of a few seconds are two different things.

Today was the first day for her to attend her new school. Clearly, I was the more nervous of the two of us. We had gone through all the paperwork hoops appropriately, we had purchased the necessary supplies, checked into lunch routines and knew about "going back" to a school that provided recess time again. What we hadn't done, is talk and think and imagine that one moment in time when a door would be opened for her, she would be nudged through that doorway, into a room of twenty-two 12 year old strangers with forty-four eyes looking right at you wondering who the heck the "new girl" was...while your mom stood in the hallway behind you with a sick little "mom smile" on her face. You know--the kind of smile that says, "oh my God, I can't believe I am standing here watching you go through this". The kind of smile that really means, "no, no come back here---we'll figure something else out". The kind of smile that says, "let me go in there and be stared at. You stay here." The kind of smile that says, "Dear God, please let them be kind to her, please let them love her like I do, please let them instantly know what a magnificent girl she is". That kind of smile.

She really was quite literally shoved into Mr. So and So's room in the middle of a sentence the counselor was speaking to us while we were touring what would soon be my 12 year old's new "hallway". The counselor quickly opened the door, introduced Mr. So and So to her and pushed her in. No "bye". No "see you after school". No "your day will be great". And as I stood there I saw what my 12 year old saw. I saw all those strange faces looking at her/me wondering... I saw her face go flush with redness. I sensed her hesitation. I saw her look to the new Mr. So and So teacher for seating direction. I saw her nerve wane. I saw her braveness be tested. I felt her trust teeter. And I turned and walked away unable to stop my tears while the counselor assured me she'd be alright, even though it's hard the first day or so.

All the way home I cried. I wanted to know if we'd done the right thing. I wanted to know if she would be ok. I wanted to know if she would hate the new school. I wanted to know if she would eventually declare her resistance like her older brother. What I really wanted was for her to still be little. What I really wanted was for her to be able to stay with me. What I really wanted was for her to not have to have nerves or be brave or trust. What I really wanted was for me to have nerve, and to be brave and to trust.

She did an incredible job today. I will never, ever forget that moment. I will never, ever forget that vision of exactly where she was standing and exactly what her face looked like and exactly how uncomfortable, and scared and helpless she felt. I will never forget feeling those same feelings right along with her ten times over that very moment.

I'm nineteen years older than I was when my 7 year old son learned he could count on the fact that I would always act on his behalf. I would always be there to encourage him to trust, to be brave and to have nerve. Nineteen years later, my 12-year old daughter somehow knew that she could count on the fact that I would always act on her behalf. She knew I would encourage her to trust, to be brave and to have nerve.

But I am so thankful she didn't turn around and see me or tell me bye before entering that classroom today.

Because she would have seen a mom who had doubt and fear and was a big "chicken". She would have seen me scurry down the hallway into the stairwell in tears. And she would have seen and likely not understood that I was counting on her action this time.

Today, at that moment that daughter became my encouragement and my most shining example for how I should trust, and be brave and and have nerve...like my most amazing 12-year old.