About 32 years ago, when asked what it was, exactly, that I wanted, I remember my reply distinctly--"I just want to be a wife and have kids and be a mom". Not really knowing at all what that entailed or how, exactly it would all manifest itself, I (and my new husband of course) set our course in that direction.
About 22 years ago, when asked what it was, exactly, that I wanted, I remember my reply a little less distinctly--"I just want a little more space". At that time I had a 7 year old first grader, a 4 year old pre-schooler, a newborn and anywhere between two to five additional children of varying ages at different times throughout the work week in our 1400 square foot house where I provided in-home child care.
About 17 years ago, when asked what it was, exactly, that I wanted, I remember my reply a bit flustered--"I just want all my kids in full day school". By then my two oldest kids were in middle school and grade school, but my youngest still had the ever inconvenient half-day kindergarten. I was working part-time doing estate sales around town and trading out child care with other moms in the same situation. In early fall of 1997, I was waiting with great anticipation for August 1998 when, after 12 years of being home with children, I would, at last, have seven or more hours at home each and every day for nine months of the year.
About 16 1/2 years ago, when asked what it was, exactly, that I wanted, I remember my reply being quite hazy and blurred---"I think I want a gender ultrasound this time". I realized around Thanksgiving 1997 with great denial and astonishment, that I was going to be kissing the thought of soon having "seven-or-more-hours-at-home-each-and-every-day" goodbye. Yes, I was more than a little taken aback at our news. So much so that it was suggested I may need to "wait awhile before you talk about this much" after a trial run sharing our news with our oldest and closest friends. The intention was to share the "fun surprise news", however my uncontrollable outburst of sobbing not only became somewhat inconsolable, but embarrassed the two husbands (mine included) to the point of them needing to leave the room for quite a long period of time.
About 16 3/4 years ago, when asked what it was, exactly, that I wanted, I remember my reply being silent and simply thinking---"I just want to keep busy because I have no idea how on earth I am going to do this". At 38, I was pretty tired by then, but fear and anxiety and doubt can be great motivators at times and those are the things that motivated me to keep busy. I was surrounded by supportive, happy, helpful friends and family and I appreciated it immensely. I'd intended on being a mom, had tried to be a good one, but was still confused about the time frame at hand and when exactly I would start doing other things…I knew it wasn't going to be any time soon though.
About 16 3/4 years ago, when asked what it was, exactly, that I wanted, I remember my reply being silent and simply thinking---"I just want to keep busy because I have no idea how on earth I am going to do this". At 38, I was pretty tired by then, but fear and anxiety and doubt can be great motivators at times and those are the things that motivated me to keep busy. I was surrounded by supportive, happy, helpful friends and family and I appreciated it immensely. I'd intended on being a mom, had tried to be a good one, but was still confused about the time frame at hand and when exactly I would start doing other things…I knew it wasn't going to be any time soon though.
About 16 years ago on July 8th, 1998 when asked what it was, exactly, that I wanted I remember my reply with great clarity---"I just want a healthy baby girl to be born tomorrow". All I was capable of doing that night was to pray for exactly that. I bargained. I confessed. I begged. I pled. Dear God, please forgive me for not knowing how to handle this and please Dear Lord just make sure she is ok tomorrow.
About 11 years ago, when asked what it was, exactly, that I wanted I remember my reply being rather distraught---"I just wanted her to start Kindergarten this year". Pretty much like six years previously, that ended up not being the plan and I would be waiting one more year to have that time I thought would be so valuable.
About 10 years ago, when asked what is was, exactly, that I wanted I remember my reply being filled with excitement---"I just want to take some classes, go back to school, work on my scrapbooks, make the yard more pretty, learn to sew, to use a camera, maybe travel a little". I had been home raising children for 19 years and it was time for me to spread those wings and do something for me.
About 5 years ago, when asked what it was, exactly, that I wanted I remember my reply being filled with confusion---"I just want to stay here…at home, with my family, at this school where my kids grew up. I want all my kids home--home from other countries, home from college, home from high school activities and home with me and my husband and this little girl we have".
I'm a pretty slow learner. Sometimes I am exactly wrong…but sometimes I just get myself off course. For a brief period of time 32 years ago I had it exactly right. But then I lost my way. I didn't understand what having exactly what you want meant or even looked like. After all this time and all the "wants" and pinpointing exactly what it is I desire or wish for, it has taken me this long to figure out that I already had, and have always had exactly what I want. I was given everything I ever wished for in these precious human beings called my family. But it wasn't until I thought that I was done with exactly that part of my life that I began to be yanked into understanding that Someone far more powerful than I knew exactly what I wanted, what I needed and what would be best for me.
At 7:14 am., on July 9th 16 years ago, I was given, what would eventually become exact perspective. She came in the sweetest most perfect little package. She was and has always been the happiest person in our family. She was and continues to be easy going and pretty much maintenance free. She taught us all remarkable things. She taught responsibility and compassion to her oldest brother. She taught care, trust and adoration to her sister. She taught protection and sacrifice to her younger brother. She taught support, persistence and confidence to her father. And she taught me patience, kindness, flexibility and a bit of wisdom. She taught me than even when you think your cup is full of joy and happiness and love, there is always room for more. Her creation put into perspective exactly what God wants for me and, because of her, I now understand that exactly what I want for myself, pales in comparison to exactly what He wants for me.
The best part--she will probably never know how integral her very existence has been in teaching me God's love. Her father was my first lesson, her brothers and sisters were additional lessons and she is the exclamation point at the end of this wonderful chapter.
Tomorrow when she turns 16, I will hug her and wish her a Happy Sweet 16 and I will rejoice in knowing I have already been given just exactly everything I could want.
Happy Birthday Anne!
About 11 years ago, when asked what it was, exactly, that I wanted I remember my reply being rather distraught---"I just wanted her to start Kindergarten this year". Pretty much like six years previously, that ended up not being the plan and I would be waiting one more year to have that time I thought would be so valuable.
About 10 years ago, when asked what is was, exactly, that I wanted I remember my reply being filled with excitement---"I just want to take some classes, go back to school, work on my scrapbooks, make the yard more pretty, learn to sew, to use a camera, maybe travel a little". I had been home raising children for 19 years and it was time for me to spread those wings and do something for me.
About 5 years ago, when asked what it was, exactly, that I wanted I remember my reply being filled with confusion---"I just want to stay here…at home, with my family, at this school where my kids grew up. I want all my kids home--home from other countries, home from college, home from high school activities and home with me and my husband and this little girl we have".
I'm a pretty slow learner. Sometimes I am exactly wrong…but sometimes I just get myself off course. For a brief period of time 32 years ago I had it exactly right. But then I lost my way. I didn't understand what having exactly what you want meant or even looked like. After all this time and all the "wants" and pinpointing exactly what it is I desire or wish for, it has taken me this long to figure out that I already had, and have always had exactly what I want. I was given everything I ever wished for in these precious human beings called my family. But it wasn't until I thought that I was done with exactly that part of my life that I began to be yanked into understanding that Someone far more powerful than I knew exactly what I wanted, what I needed and what would be best for me.
At 7:14 am., on July 9th 16 years ago, I was given, what would eventually become exact perspective. She came in the sweetest most perfect little package. She was and has always been the happiest person in our family. She was and continues to be easy going and pretty much maintenance free. She taught us all remarkable things. She taught responsibility and compassion to her oldest brother. She taught care, trust and adoration to her sister. She taught protection and sacrifice to her younger brother. She taught support, persistence and confidence to her father. And she taught me patience, kindness, flexibility and a bit of wisdom. She taught me than even when you think your cup is full of joy and happiness and love, there is always room for more. Her creation put into perspective exactly what God wants for me and, because of her, I now understand that exactly what I want for myself, pales in comparison to exactly what He wants for me.
The best part--she will probably never know how integral her very existence has been in teaching me God's love. Her father was my first lesson, her brothers and sisters were additional lessons and she is the exclamation point at the end of this wonderful chapter.
Tomorrow when she turns 16, I will hug her and wish her a Happy Sweet 16 and I will rejoice in knowing I have already been given just exactly everything I could want.
Happy Birthday Anne!
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