Gut Feelings

As a parent there are times when you have a fear for or about your kids that just simply scares you to pieces.  Scares the living daylights out of you.  Scares you to the bone.  And sometimes, you can't put your finger on it, but you know…or at least you fear that it is something bad, or at least something not good.

Sometimes those "gut feelings", or mom feelings as I like to call them are totally unfounded…resulting in total relief at being off the mark with your gut. Sometimes there is some logical reasoning behind your fear that ends up not being truth anyhow.  And sometimes you are dead on right. That is what you, in parent mode, always hope to be wrong about.

That moment happened to me today.  I'd been having one of those mom moments lately regarding a particular child.  I'd even tried to address it with them privately recently via email, then a very brief one on one.  Both times things were laughed off almost as another "there goes mom being silly again".  I can not tell you how much I hope that is true right now.

Again, I can't really put my finger on it exactly…you just sense something is wrong with your child.  You just sense there is something "off".  I tend to feel like that a lot, so it drives my kids crazy.  But this has been ongoing and basically unfounded.  Just simple things like a little less communication, not as many jokes, fewer smiles, sad eyes.  And then I go back to thinking it's just me.

But today I got a piece of mail with some personal information regarding this particular child.  It was medical information and not even necessarily that specific.  But there it was.  Tests.  Bloodwork.  They'd filed the wrong insurance.  sigh.  All the possible MOM ALERTS a mom can have all go to DEFCON5 instantly.  Do I call?  Do I wait for the 48 hours before I will see them again?  Do they know something?  Is it life threatening?  Is it potentially life threatening?  Oh Dear Lord, please don't let it be her--please make something wrong with me instead.  Please.  Can't breath.  Tears.

So that is where I am right now at this very moment.  I am terrified that something is wrong with my sweet, sweet daughter.  I am terrified that she is not well.  I am terrified that I won't be able to help her, make it better, make her happy.  I am terrified that she won't want to share with me.  I am terrified that she would keep important things from me.  (I now know that "important" is a relative term to a parent and a child, whatever their age…and it changes over time)  I am terrified not knowing what to do, what to say, how to act so that I don't over-react, how to let her know I would do anything…anything in the world for her.

I don't know what to do and I worry God isn't listening.  I know that isn't true, but I want to know everything is ok.  And I guess I want to know if everything isn't ok.  But maybe God wants me to be patient.  To let Him handle things.  I say that for other people all the time.  But when it's your own self, it's not quite as easy.

For now I pray that I will find the patience and wisdom to handle whatever lies ahead, great or small with love, kindness, dignity and most of all grace.  Because I am not the one in trouble…and hopefully my sweet daughter isn't either.

.....Welllll, she wasn't.  There was something going on, but "trouble" was not it.

I found this in my unposted posts list and when I opened it up I immediately knew what it was.  I had to smile just a little smile.

My sweet sweet daughter and equally sweet son-in-law became parents one month ago today.  That was what was going on...that was my "gut feeling"

...a new precious grandson.

It's funny how things work sometimes.