IT'S OK TO HATE IT WHILE YOU DO IT

Such a serious title huh?  Well folks, it's a serious time.  This girl has been promising herself good health for years now...even decades...all the while this girl be gettin' older and older and I'm not too sure that "health" is keeping up.

Let's give a little background... actually there is very little in the way of background on this topic anyhow! The fact is, while I've been relatively healthy for 58 years, I've also never been overly so and never, ever been an "exerciser" person. Nope. Not. Me. And you know what... I think there are probably a LOT more folks like me than not.

Now, I know for those of you (ah-hem...kids) who are reading this saying to yourself, "well there shouldn't be more people like that anyhow" or "wow, that's just too bad", let me just respectfully request that you hold off on your health judgments for one moment.  The fact is that for some of us, exercise/working out is a huge pain in the ass. I know, it's everyones pain in the ass, but you must JUST DO IT. And, frankly, that is true.

But here's the deal, every person I know really does not enjoy or like something. Whether that is reading, or crafting, or social events, or country music, or peas, or the color orange, or their mean old neighbor lady, or something. There may be a logical reason for not liking, or even really despising that thing, that one activity or situation or food or topic, but there may not be any real explicable reason at all. You're just a person and you simply have preferences and, well...whatever that "thing" is that you really hate, that's just the way it is for you.  Right?

I'd like to point out that if you are planning on arguing the last paragraph with me, then you may as well skip on over to someone else's blog post, because from here on out my logic on working out is based on that last paragraph.

Simply put -- I hate it. I just do. And, I've come to the conclusion that, that is ok. It's ok for me to really, really, really not like exercising/working out (why must I reference both?--but I must!). But, what is not ok, is for me to avoid it because I despise it so deeply. It's not ok because it (probably) is good for me.  It's not ok because it may help my health and help me live longer (if it doesn't kill me in the process...alright, a little bit of drama will seep out now and then). It's not ok because it may be a way for me to set a better example for my kids, grandkids or maybe a friend. And it's not ok for me to avoid it, because it's usually not ok for us to avoid even the things we loathe. So, based on that, I know that I must find logic or some minimal virtue in forcing myself to participate in something to which I am so richly adverse.

I like games. I like puzzles. I like trying to figure things out. So, when I walk on that 500 pound treadmill I made my poor husband haul over to the house and set up in his ex-office space last year, I generally have to figure out a way to use it that, A. doesn't hurt my knees too much, B. isn't so dang boring I want to shove daggers in my eyeballs, and, C. allows me to feel as if I have accomplished even a tiny bit. C is easy--I've accomplished nothing in the exercise world in months/years, so anything I do in a week is more than I've done before...for now. A. is kind of tricky because I have to protect these knees as much as possible until I am ready to have something done about them (that is another story for another time) B....B is another story.  

"B" (avoiding shoving daggers in my eyeballs out of boredom) is key...for me. So here's what I've got so far:

•       Radio talk shows - may need additional daggers for that as well
•       TV - not much of a tv watcher and could potentially be distracting
•       Phone conversation - I have a few friends who could just talk and I could just listen    cause no one wants to hear huffing and puffing during an entire conversation, right?
•       Music - Music is a good option. Maybe need to make a playlist that keeps me going for a bit. Again...for me...it's "squirrel" moments.
•       Podcasts - podcasts are a new thing for me. I think I may love (some of) them!!  And they are a real time filler (sucker?). So I can mindlessly listen and workout simultaneously

I suppose the whole point of this is, I'm going to be ok with hating something and I know I'm going to hear all about "better attitude, better result", but for now, for me, I'm going to worry more about problem solving:  Problem-hate working out/exercise, but absolutely need to/must.  Solution-find something that just gets me through it for now and worry about hating it less later.

Let's see how that works out...

YES, STRINGS ARE ATTACHED

We did it! We got the girl there. It was a great experience. I'll write more about that part of it later. Yes, I had to pull over for a lengthy hyperventilating, full-on guttural sob that commenced before I had even made it out of the parking lot. Scared the heck out of my husband, especially since I was driving. God, I will miss her so. She has been such a delight and integral part of the genuine happiness in our family home. But, on to bigger and better adventures for us now!

As a parent sending your child off to another town, to college or anywhere outside the safe confines of their home, you tend to spend that last few weeks, days, (maybe even months?!) enjoying time with them and trying to impart those last few nuggets of wisdom you have to offer. "Safety" was my main concern, so we talked about that a lot. We talked about the college experience in general and her older siblings had a lot of sage advice. But, I found myself talking around things instead of being blunt.

Today I received the receipt for her first semester's tuition. I forwarded that receipt to her in an email containing the best college wisdom I could muster up. It may not be the best college wisdom for your child, but it is a few of the things we have found to be successful in our lives.

"Hi there!

So, here it is…final payment for your first college semester! This is not a “gift” or a “right”, this is an opportunity that will help you move forward in attaining a good job which allows you to lead a life you will enjoy and benefit from. Hopefully one in which you too can give to your own family and community one day. Even with college educations, there are a lot of bad jobs that are expensive choices and make your future a lot harder, so be wise.

This opportunity you are being given is not without “strings attached”. While we know “you’ve got it”, please take a minute to read these. These things are PROVEN to work 100% of the time. This is a time for you to think about YOU and take advantage of this blessing and opportunity!! 

Here are THE STRINGS that we've attached in no particular order:

         —Work hard.  College is not easy. The next five years will be the hardest you have ever worked. But it will be one of the biggest rewards for you as well!

         —Study a LOT, daily, whether you have homework or nothing at all..study the material being taught in your classes every single day (refer to the hours they suggested as a minimum at orientation). You really can’t study too much. Make sure you are studying the right things too.

         —Get help.  This is the one thing that for some reason all college students have the hardest time doing. Please get help sooner rather than later. Your university offers a ton of free tools that are available to help you succeed. If one doesn’t work, try another! If you are studying a ton and still struggling on tests, then you are not studying the right things or you are not studying the right way—get help. Remember—we pay the university to TEACH you and if you are truly doing your part and still not succeeding, then go seek out help. It’s not because you aren’t smart or can’t do it and sometimes not even because you’re not working hard enough…it may just be you need to find the right help. Don’t get discouraged.

         —Stay focused and don’t let any one or any thing get you off course. It is ultimately your decision to focus on what you should and need to be doing, not someone else’s. It’s your decision/choice to set and keep your priorities straight.

         —Be serious. Everyone says “have fun in college”!  Well of course you are going to have fun! That is the nature of college. That’s why SO many kids drop out or end up with sucky majors…cause they “had fun” (well, too much fun). The ones who succeed are serious about what they are doing. This is a responsibility that you have…a job. It really is. It is your job to be serious about this. We really do know how hard it is and what it takes to be successful.  So it is a big responsibility that you will have to approach with serious determination.

         —Don’t procrastinate it will bite you in the butt if not every time, eventually when it’s really, really important. There are no excuses if you have procrastinated and find yourself in a jam and that is a sickening feeling. If you put things off, that dreaded butt bite will DEFINITELY happen.

         —Learn, Learn, Learn…everything. Learn about how to use your computer properly. Learn what methods of study really work best for you. Learn about all the things the university offers. Learn about your coursework even if it’s boring. Learn about other people. Learn about your major and what it is really about. Learn to speak intelligently. Be curious about topics, subjects unfamiliar to you. Learn about them. You’re there to learn. Do it.

         —Don’t take things (anything) for granted. Never forget this is an opportunity for you that is short-lived and very dependent upon your participation. Be thankful and appreciative that you, your parents and your family have (and are) all working hard to help support each other. It’s not just about the “money”, or the financial, it’s about the privilege and blessing of all things, both material (school, home/neighborhood, clothing, car, etc.) and non-material (faith, family, friends, support from others, intelligence, health, God’s graces, etc.). Take time to give thanks…a lot.

         —Be genuine and sincere. Don’t be fake-y or someone/something you are not. That only serves to attract disingenuous, insincere people around you. You are a smart girl and you should act like one. You don’t have to act airhead-y or shy or funny if you don’t understand something. Just ask, or learn about it then add it to all the other smart things you know. College is for learning (see above!). Being genuine and sincere is the best way to surround yourself with very good, genuine, sincere people and that is important.

         —Put some thought into your decisions first. This seems obvious but so many times you will be rushed and in a hurry or tired or feel torn by another persons desires or other situations. Just take a minute to decide what really is the best decision for you in the big picture…not just at that single moment. This is different from “Make Good Choices”! We know you will do that. This is more about taking time to think about how your choice is effecting the big picture of your college education. You may need to rest, you may need a break, you may need to pass on something really fun because you are behind on classwork or have a particularly hard test or paper coming, you may need to get some help with something when you really don’t want to make that effort, you may need to spend some time taking care of yourself, your body. Take some time to think about your “good choices” before actually making them.

         —Do your best work.  College is competitive and you will have to determine your goals early on and do your best to hit those marks. You have to remember that there are a lot of other people wanting the same things you do. Those who do the best work and work the hardest are usually the ones who make it through to the next level. That’s how nearly everything in life is anyhow, so may as well get into practice of doing your best now!

         —Go to church and go to some of the student activities there. Yeah, yeah. BUT…find me the person who says, “you know I did go to church and some student activities and it was a real waste of my time…I had tests, homework, I really wish I hadn’t made time to go to church or the student stuff at the church while I was in college”  Find me that person. You won’t. But you will find people who say, “I wish I had done that (or done more of it). It helped ground me. It helped me remember my perspective and get my priorities straight. It helped me think about others during a time when we naturally think only about ourselves. It reminded me where I’m from, that I’m loved, that I have responsibilities and obligations to do and be good”. Those are the things you WILL hear.  Just do it. Get involved some at church. It will make a difference and it could make a HUGE difference. Don’t wait until you need a difference to be made. Go every week. 

         —Don’t ever forget that you are loved. Tired of hearing this one yet? Well, there will be some times when it is tough and when you mess up or get in a jam. We will not always be able to help you or it may be best for you to figure things out. But regardless, we always, always, ALWAYS love you and, even greater than that, God always loves you and He is always there, in that dorm, in that classroom, at that party or movie or in that study hall or library. He is there loving on you every moment. That is a big deal. That is the best. Pray, ask Him for help and guidance, thank Him for everything, let Him know you are happy or scared. Just remember He, and your parents love you always.

         —Call, write, text, email your parents and Pray, ask, thank and talk to God.—Please make sure and touch base with BOTH of us! God, like us, misses you when you are away. Find moments to connect with Him and with your parents and the people who love you.

This may seem like the Charlie Brown teacher “wahwahwahwahwahwahwah”, but I promise it is not. Try and remember these things, or go back now and then and re-read them. Coming from a college drop-out who knows from first-hand experience what she WISHED she had done right in college, I can tell you these things work. They are the “strings” we’ve attached to providing for you the next several years. They are good things and you will SOAR if you take them to heart!

love,

mom"

So there it is--all the sage advice and motherly wisdom I could impart to my daughter who had a wonderful "First Day" and an equally great "Second Day" in her new life!  I've sworn not to call her every day, but she'd better pay attention to that last string attached I mentioned or I may have to break a promise!  

ONE WEEK FROM TODAY

The last couple of days I'd been working on a post about my "feelings" about this upcoming week/weeks/months and the changes that I am facing. It was a sad little post, that frankly, no one, besides me, would have cared much about. With the exception of being somewhat cathartic, I'm glad I didn't publish it.

Today, I woke up and the first thing I thought was--It is Sunday! My daughter came downstairs for breakfast and we greeted each other in our ordinary, dreary way, 
"Good morning"
"morning"
"sleep well?" 
"yeah"
"You hear the storm last night?"
"no"
"there was a tornado"
"oh"
I let her get to the business of eating her cereal.  After some sugar had permeated her system I knew I could get her attention so I offered up my morning thoughts.

"One week from right now, you will wake up in your dorm room and either think 'wow, my mom nailed this comfortable bed thing' or 'wow, my back hurts'. But either way, one week from right now, you get to wake up in your own new room"

She raised up her head from the cereal bowl in front of her and while she was still thinking through her morning fog, she replied with a whopping, "yep. that's right"

And then I said it...

"Yeah. One week from right now, you can wake up and do whatever the heck you want for the entire day"

That caught her attention enough for her to choke back the massive scream of joy I could tell she was holding back, and a small, but powerful grin came over her face.

For one of the first times in the last several weeks, I grinned too. And that grin turned into a very large smile. A smile of remembrance. A smile of excitement. A smile of thankfulness. And, I told her before I left the kitchen, "you're gonna love it!"

I went back and shared our morning exchange with my husband and found myself unable to stop smiling. I told him how I vividly remember my very first day waking up in my dorm room and how totally thrilled and excited I was. He couldn't believe I could remember it, but I do. I remember how I felt and I remember some of the things I thought. I remember being momentarily apprehensive about what I was supposed to actually do, but the feeling of independence, of "freedom" and curiosity quickly overtook any apprehension still looming within me and I carried on. For me, the days and weeks ahead proved to be filled with activities and opportunities in which I was eager to participate. I was in control of my destiny and was free to make my own choices. And that I did. 

Unfortunately I made terrible choices and went down equally terrible paths that made my immediate "destiny" rather grim, to say the least. I was irresponsible and far too immature to turn my newfound "freedom" and "independence" into something that would eventually 
benefit me. Basically I was a mess. Eventually I left school and it took several more years for me to finally get my life on a more positive track.  That track came for me only when I began to lead my life with the help and acceptance of something much grander than myself.

So now I watch my youngest daughter with all the same anxiousness and excitement. I watch her hold back her ecstatic smile and energetic readiness in hopes that I won't see how much she longs for this same independence. But I am comforted by her excitement. 

The night before this conversation, we want to mass. The homily was about the feast of the Transfiguration of the Lord and our deacon ended his homily saying "ain't God's love grand!", connecting a reference he'd made earlier in his talk. It was at that moment I realized I was spending my last weekly mass with this young girl of mine. Toward the end of the mass our priest gave blessings to all people with August birthdays of which I was one. Afterward, as we were leaving mass, I mentioned to our priest that this was our daughters last mass in town before leaving for college and he immediately stopped and gave her a very thoughtful blessing. While I had just received a blessing for yet another birthday and a prayer for continued wisdom after all these (many) years, my daughter was receiving a blessing asking for God to watch over her, protect her and guide her in her upcoming journey in attaining wisdom for her many years ahead.  How special it was for me in that moment to feel God's grace day in and day out, year after year and to see that the circle of life is only due to His endless love for us.

When my daughter wakes up on this day next week, I hope that she wakes up with that same excitement, curiosity and independence that I felt all those many years ago. And, if she does think to herself "I can do whatever the heck I want", I pray that she remembers Gods grace, relies on His guidance and follows His commands as she makes her own choices and decisions during this exciting and independent time. I want her to remember "ain't God's love grand"! And, more than just remember, I want her to know His love and believe in His love. I am certain she will and I am eternally thankful for that as I watch her leave our home in very good hands.

REPURPOSED PUZZLE

Alone, not alone, sad, excited, worried, frustrated, apprehensive.  Crying, not crying, laughing, smiling, crying--a lifelong process for me is coming to an end. It's been a wonderful journey.

The last kiddo is leaving our house this week. She is ready to go. I should be ready for her to go...and I probably am. One minute I'm in love with her and the next she is driving me nuts. From experience, I know this is all normal. But it's still a process. A song comes on, I get teary.  Someone mentions moving, empty nest, or any number of other words associated with this upcoming change of lifestyle and my heart skips a beat.  Quietly (for the most part), momentarily (usually), regardless, a tear comes, a heart beat skips and it takes my breath away. And, even after reading my last post, I struggle. And then, I struggle with why I'm struggling. Or, for that matter, am I really struggling in the first place or just reacting to a situation I may not be totally prepared for?

Why the struggle? Even with all my normal mom fears, worries, concerns, I know these things turn out good and right for the most part. What if they don't? Then we work through it right? Ok--so check fears, worries, concerns off the struggle list. What if something bad happens? Can't control everything.  Gotta believe in the things I've taught and my belief in God's grace and mercy. So...check something bad happening off the struggle list. What about how much I will miss having a kid around? Back to that circle of life thing that I have always banked on in the first place. Happens. It's a good thing. You cannot get to the other chapters of the story if you don't get past the first chapters. And the other chapters are fun too. Check off missing kids being around from the struggle list. (and, as I remember, they do come home a lot)

So what's left?  Well, there is the normal well-behaved 19 year old girl who has successfully completed high school with good grades and worked 30-40 hours nearly every week of the summer saving 95% of everything she made.  I mean, yeah, there's some concerns when we parents take an honest look at our kids. They aren't perfect. No one is. There are things she still hasn't learned, doesn't know, doesn't even know about herself yet. But that's what this next chapter is about right? Her being in an environment that encourages her to find out about those things, learn about herself and the real world and still have a safety net "just in case". So guess I have to check "the girl" being the reason for my struggle off the struggle list as well now.

Back to what is the reason for My struggle with all these feelings. Key word there is "my". My feelings about upcoming changes are just that...feelings. They are important to me because they are the catalyst that determines how I behave at times. But, should that be the case?  Probably not. Life does go on. I know that. I know that from my marriage, from my family, friends and acquaintances, from 57 years of life situations.  I know that from raising kids. The changes I face are truly Lion King coming alive in my own personal "circle of life". And, while everyone is participating in this change in a positive way, I continue to dig my heels in as if I have the power to eventually stop the world from turning on it's axis.

If I look at my struggle honestly, it seems pretty simple. I have spent my entire life being a wife and a mom. I've not been stellar in either of these capacities. Decent enough, tried hard, but not stellar. But, even at my worst, I have still spent that entire time worrying and thinking about, cheering on, providing and doing for, orchestrating and advocating on behalf of, and, most importantly, protecting and loving the four people who are most important in my life...my four kids. Yep. I would easily without a seconds thought stand in front of a train, a herd of wild elephants or flames from hell for them. I truly would. That hasn't meant that I would do anything in the world for them, but I would love them and protect them with my last breath. And...as long as one of the four were still living here, with me and my husband, in this house, I have had a purpose. My purpose has always been to help them, to protect them, to love them. I have loved fulfilling that purpose.

But that day to day purpose is changing, ending. Right now I feel like I am standing in the middle of this life, with somewhat of a perplexed, and maybe even fearful look on my face, not certain of which way I need to turn first. And somewhere along the way, while concentrating on the purpose at hand, I forgot to take all the pieces to this puzzle of life along with me. I set them down, left them behind and didn't think about needing them later.

It is time to go back a bit. Regroup. Repurpose. I need to find those puzzle pieces I left behind, gather them back up and finish living out the puzzle of my own life. I need to find out what I like to do, what I do well, what I don't do well, what I want, what I can be and do in return for all that has been given to and for me. I need to find out what is my new purpose?

I know from my older kiddos that we mommas never stop helping, protecting and loving--never. But, as our kids get older the way in which we do that changes and becomes less hands on. So, we are left with more of our own time on our hands. Now I get to choose how to fill that time. Some of my kids are already concerned that I am over-filling the months ahead on my calendar as a way to avoid "dealing" with my feelings of sadness once I am no longer a hands on mom (or, in their words, "controlling everything"). But, contrary to their concerns, the squiggly lines on the calendar are simply a way to find where those last forgotten puzzle pieces are and then figure out where they may belong. The blank spots are there to give me time to reflect and read and learn new things, enjoy new adventures, relax with my husband and explore new possibilities and additional purposes  for which I was created.

Alone, not alone, sad, excited, worried, frustrated, apprehensive.  Crying, not crying, laughing, smiling, crying--a new process is beginning for me. It will be a wonderful journey and fun to work on finding the pieces to complete the puzzle

HINDSIGHT

Currently, we are in the annual season of announcements, endings and new beginnings, well wishes and pining over memories. While I have what I believe to be a good deal of personal experience in this annual tradition, I am struggling with this years festivities. This season of this particular year is one I have been secretly dreading. While I know that is all ok and very much the order of things , I'm still not quite ready.

I think I've written about having given birth to and raising four kids, staying married to one guy for several decades and being a stay-at-home mom for over 30 years now. (If I haven't written about it, then I need to get busy) My pregnancies and births were really no more spectacular than anyone else's stories. My older three kids have all grown into decent, good, upstanding adults, family members, workers and citizens. My youngest kid seems to be on that same path. My husband is still my husband and we still love each other. And, as of now, I am still a stay-at-home mom and have worn that title with pride for quite some time.

Given those premises, I'd like to think I know a thing or two. I know that having babies usually gets easier. I know that babies and kids all go through stages. I know that raising kids is really hard. I know that all marriages go through ups and downs--some go through more downs than others. I know that families are complicated. I know that moms and dads usually do things differently. I know that as you age you gain more wisdom and I also know that hindsight really is 20/20.

Hindsight tells me that most of the time everything is going to work out ok. Hindsight tells me that, for the most part, I've done my job properly. Hindsight tells me that I will always have new and different experiences to enjoy as I make my way through life. Hindsight tells me that some friends will stay, some will go, but my family will always be here. Hindsight tells me that even with family, I'm still required to reach out, give and be available in order to keep those family ties strong. Hindsight tells me that the love I had for my newborn babies grows into just as strong a love for them as adults. And hindsight tells me that no matter how much I know from hindsight I don't get to escape all the realities of the here and now.

Right now the here and now is graduation week for our youngest child, the daughter who has been our bonus child, the one who taught me that having ten kids would have been a blast. (you have to tip the scale over to four kids before you really "get" that!) I've seen a ton of social media tributes that parents are doing for their seniors. I keep thinking I need to do the same. But I just can't. Don't get me wrong...I'm super super proud of this girl! She is amazing and truly spectacular. But I've got to be honest in saying that while hindsight tells me I have a ton of cool stuff to look forward to with her in the next few years, right now I'm just not happy. Right now I'm sad. I can and will put on the happy face. I can smile and talk about her plans, our plans and admit to excitement over all that. But the fact is that right now, for my immediate future, I know what hindsight has taught me. Hindsight has taught me that I am going to really miss this girl.

I'm going to miss her like crazy....c. r. a. z. y.

Everyone's known that.  Everyone's mentioned or talked about it. I've tried to talk about it but I mostly cut those conversations short due to the lump that forms in my throat. I'm pretty sure my older kids fear that one day they may find me curled up in a ball rocking back and forth sobbing. That won't happen. Hindsight tells me I'll be ok, everything will be ok. But hindsight still doesn't take away the heart and the soul and the feelings we have for the people we love.

Instead of curling up in a ball, what may happen (or may have already happened) is finding myself softly crying in the shower as I think about her not being here. Or, me tearing up at the memories of the sheer joy of our little family when we brought this sweet girl home from the hospital or the memory of all her "performances" for us, or her unabashed pride in wearing her headgear at night when her siblings friends were over, or her last-ditch efforts to swim hard enough to make state or bring a grade up from a B to an A. I may feel sad when 5:00 PM comes around and no one is here saying "I'm taking my shower now"...every. day. at. 5 PM! I may miss watching her contain her excitement at the next Harry Potter news or Guardians of the Galaxy movie. I will definitely miss hearing that laugh--that outstanding, cheerful, full of life laugh--at an old episode of The Office or Friends, or a silly meme someone just posted, or something stupid either of her parents may have said or done, or enjoying being with her friends and listening to their funny stories. I will miss knowing the kindness she shows to her friends--I'll miss seeing her give a hug to a friend who's sad about a crummy swim time, or watching her encourage a friend who is facing a struggle or hearing about her cheering up a girlfriend who's boyfriend hasn't been so nice. I will miss that click-click sound she makes each morning calling her dog downstairs or that same sound at night when she calls her dog upstairs to go to bed with her. I will miss her willingness to be a part of my life even if it means Baskin Robbins instead of Braums, or mexican instead of chinese, a musical instead of a sci-fi movie.

One of the most interesting things I've heard this past year was while talking with someone who asked how I felt about my daughters upcoming graduation--she said very matter-of-factly "well, you two are pretty close". What? We are? How can we be that close...I'm just the mom? But when another one of my children agreed I had to choke back tears. Yes. Yes, we are...or at least I am. And, maybe in her own, last-kid-of-four-remaining-at-the-house way, she may feel the same as well.

So, while it may seem that I have depended on this kid for a great deal of companionship over the last several years and that I am now faced with redefining my Stay-At-Home mom title to mean something geared more toward my own future, I also couldn't be more excited to see what this incredibly special young woman does over the next several years ahead. I can't wait to meet the people she befriends. I can't wait for her to bring new friends home to hang out for the weekend or go to a concert or come for Thanksgiving dinner. I can't wait to watch what interests she develops, what things get her excited. I can't wait to hear her tell stories of her adventures and experiences. I can't wait for  that first time she calls excited about an accomplishment. And yes, I already can't wait for her weekend visits back home that I already know will pass all too quickly. Hindsight tells me that I will sit on the porch swing and wave good bye to her, wait for her to leave and spend a few minutes wiping my own tears away.

But hindsight tells me, if I'm lucky, she'll be back.

Anne, I love you infinity times a million 💞

Photo Credit:  Buona Sarah Photography







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God's Got This---and has for 30 years!

Over the last thirty or more years there have been numerous times I've prayed to God for help or guidance.  At times when things were particularly difficult, I went so far as to beg God to please just take over; take the helm.  I'd close my eyes and hold my breath and hope and pray everything would turn out ok. No time have I ever asked or looked to Him more often than when I was (and still am) raising a child.  The perspective I had when I started down this child-rearing road seems to be quite a bit different than my perspective now that I am winding toward the end of that road.

Thirty years ago I had just turned 25.  Thirty years ago today I was pretty sure I knew a lot of "stuff" about the world and people.  Thirty years ago today I felt ready to take on about anything. Thirty years ago today I would begin a journey that would teach me more about love and heartache, life and people and God than I could ever imagine.

Thirty years ago today I gave birth to my first child.

The nine months leading up to this birth were easy, peasy.  I read a basic "how-to" book or two.  Felt pretty confident.  Was a little tired, never nauseous, gained a bunch of weight.  We went to our Lamaze classes.  We learned how to breath and relax and "focus".  I was active. I was prepared.  No big issues.  No problems.  As our due date came and went, a date to be induced was scheduled, nearly three weeks beyond my due date.  And we waited again.  And waited some more.  But the baby never came.  Never. Came. --God, you've got this, ok?

That hospital date came.  So, again, I was prepared. Ready for that early morning check-in.  Ready for the medicine that would help my body help coax this baby out into the world.  The medicine came.  The contractions came.  The pain came.  The pushing came.  But...no baby...no baby came.  "They" could see it--there was it's head!  And there it went.  No baby.  Needless to say, anxiety and frustration set in as "we" tried for another hour to push this baby into the world.  Nothing.  Except ... some signals of distress on the monitors.  18 hours into this birthing process, it was time to switch the game plan. C-section.  Fine.  Whatever it takes.  Let's do it!  It's about 1:00 AM and I'd been rolled out into a hallway headed to be prepped for surgery that I realized, "oh my gosh--I'm going to be cut open" and I was afraid.  I was afraid for me and I was afraid for my baby.  And a million questions and scenarios and thoughts went through my head when I thought--God, you've got this, right?

I remember being rolled into a surgery room where lots of people were doing lots of things...quickly.  My wonderful doctor came in and visited with me, assured me everything would be ok and began preparing for his important job.  An anesthesiologist spoke to me about how this c-section would proceed.  Nurses strapped my arms down.  My masked and robed husband was escorted in.  I remember getting very quiet (very unlike me) and my husband getting very chatty (very unlike him).   People were moving fast and there seemed to be a lot of people in attendance "just in case"--God, you've got this ok?

An hour later at 2:00 AM sharp our baby was delivered.  There was commotion and the baby was whisked into a nearby room.  There were no cries, there was no "it's a boy! it's a girl!", there was no "he/she is ok"...there was just commotion.  I'm not exactly sure what my husband was thinking right then, but he was praying out loud...really loud.  Clearly I was not understanding what was going on.  The first time I asked "boy or girl?" there was no response, just commotion.  The second time I asked "boy or girl?" a bit more firmly and my doctors reply was simply, "Stephanie, I don't know. The neonatal staff had to take the baby quickly."  Through the commotion, I could have heard a pin drop.  "Is our baby ok?" While my doctor was working on me he calmly said, "They are doing everything they can. Susan, go check for them" Silence--Dear God, you do have this one...right?  

"Mrs. Biddick, it's a boy...and he's going to be fine.  He just needs a little help right now"

Twelve hours later I had a room full of people passing around our 7 lb., 14 oz. new bundle of sweetness.  My sister, my parents, my mother-in-law was there, a couple of my sister-in-laws,  stepparents, friends and even a few co-workers were there.  I was pretty tired and groggy so it was good that there were lots of people to welcome this sweet little boy into our world.  I remember worrying that I couldn't stay awake real well and yet I realized--no one really cares...it's all about him now--God, you got this one, right?

After nearly a week we took this baby boy home and introduced him to our little world.  I felt pretty comfortable taking care of him, my husband was so proud and helpful and kind, my parents pitched in to make things easy and we were off to a good start.  He was healthy and pretty much perfect in every way. As he grew a little older he slept well, was very well-mannered, hit the appropriate milestones for us to show off, knew many words, understood nearly everything, and, of course, was brilliant.  We had been right all along...if you just did things a certain way, then your children would respond appropriately--God, we've got this right?

While we were visiting my in-laws one weekend, we were marveling at one of his more brilliant moments or the fact that he would sit quietly and entertain himself while we adults did whatever we were doing, when my sweet mother-in-law turned to me and said, "you don't really know what it is like to have a baby or kid yet".  I was a little taken aback as I had assumed she too would be proud of her son and I for the fine work we'd done so far.  But, knowing that this was a woman who had nine children of her own, I also valued her opinion and thoughts tremendously.  What in the world did she mean and why was she saying that? I asked her and I distinctly remember her patient loving smile as she replied, "you'll see soon enough". Of course, unbeknownst to me, she had made an accurate prediction--God, we do have this, right?

This young little boy grew up enjoying learning, playing, having friends, being a loving caring big brother, attending mass, going to school, participating in activities, loving music (Mom, Dad...have you ever heard of this group called The Beatles??  They are fantastic!!), caring for our pets, becoming a big brother again and in general, never giving us a moment's worry.  He went to an excellent elementary school, middle school and high school and he excelled at all of them. We were proud of his every step.  And, I continued on my course of feeling as if I was doing what God wanted me too--God, I've got this, right?

A lot of things happened with this young boy as he turned into the man he is today.  He graduated high school with a full scholarship to a university.  He graduated college and went over seas to teach. He returned and went back to school where he met and eventually married his beautiful wife and became a part of another wonderful family.  He found a job at a college and continued with his education.  He and his wife had an equally amazing daughter and are now expecting their second--God, he's got this now, right?

But one of the things that I am most proud of on this, the 30th birthday of this incredibly special young man, is his godliness.  That sounds a little arrogant, and I am the last one on earth to speak to godliness: conforming to the laws and wishes of God.  But I can tell you that this young boy has grown into a truly good, devout man of God. He is kind hearted. He is caring, devoted and loyal.  And, he believes in the truest sense that God, really does "have this". He has recognized God's hand in his own life and in those lives around him.

Over the last 30+ years I've prayed "God, you've got this" in faith, I've prayed "God, I've got this" in thanks and "God, he/she/they've got this" in request, but the prayers have always had a question mark at the end, a moment of doubt, some insecurity. What I've been slow to realize is that I have had far less influence and "control" in raising this great guy (or any of my other great kiddos) than I would have liked to think.  Only out of God's love for me has it been possible for me to help bring this little boy into the world and only out of God's love for him has he become the man he is today.  God always had unwavering and resolute control each and every moment of each and every day of every year...thirty years ago and for endless years to come.  Beginning with my first child and with each blessing of life since then I have seen that while I can ask, thank or beg Him, God is always a step ahead of me.  I am blessed beyond what I deserve and I am proud that my son is years ahead of me in knowing God's grace.

Happiest of birthdays to you Travis!  

Love,

mom

GOD IS TRUTH

A few days ago I shared the "Does God Exist" video that's making the rounds on Facebook which attributes the conversation in the video to Einstein.  It was pointed out to me via a posted Snopes link that the video was not entirely "true".  That is likely correct.  The video was not entirely true…Einstein wasn't the student who debated the professor.  I'm not sure that the video was intended to exemplify a universal truth as much as it was intended to tackle a philosophical question.  The question being, how can God and evil coexist?  Clearly, a video circulating on throughout the internet is not the best format or avenue for attempting such a deep philosophical debate, but I liked the video just the same and thought it brought up some interesting points.

While I am certainly not willing to, and frankly not able to adequately debate the existence of God, I am very willing and able to share and profess what is my personal truth and belief.  I believe that there is ultimately only One Truth, through God and His Holy word.  I believe that we, in our mortal flesh forms, will never fully understand that One Truth until we become our spiritual selves after death.  I believe in life after death.  I believe in God and have faith in God because I have seen and known His existence every day of my life and I have seen and known his existence in death.  I do not need to fully understand to believe.  My faith allows me to trust His truth for myself and for all of us.

What I believe specifically is this:

I believe in one God, 

the Father almighty, 

maker of heaven and earth, 

of all things visible and invisible. 

I believe in one Lord Jesus Christ, 

the Only Begotten Son of God, 

born of the Father before all ages. 

God from God, Light from Light, 

true God from true God, 

begotten, not made, consubstantial with the Father; 

through him all things were made. 

For us men and for our salvation 

he came down from heaven, 

and by the Holy Spirit was incarnate of the Virgin Mary, 

and became man. 

For our sake he was crucified under Pontius Pilate, 

he suffered death and was buried, 

and rose again on the third day 

in accordance with the Scriptures. 

He ascended into heaven 

and is seated at the right hand of the Father. 

He will come again in glory 

to judge the living and the dead 

and his kingdom will have no end. 

I believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life, 

who proceeds from the Father and the Son, 

who with the Father and the Son is adored and glorified,

who has spoken through the prophets. 

This is what I believe. 

This is my truth.